deepundergroundpoetry.com
me
falling like the rain,
i succumb to my pain,
theres no point in fighting whats happening to me,
its just ment to be,
i pass through the days,
acting as if im okay,
but the truth is im not,
poisioned by my past,
in a vicious circl that will always last,
i no longer know who i am,
and i fear i'll never find myself again.
i succumb to my pain,
theres no point in fighting whats happening to me,
its just ment to be,
i pass through the days,
acting as if im okay,
but the truth is im not,
poisioned by my past,
in a vicious circl that will always last,
i no longer know who i am,
and i fear i'll never find myself again.
Published 24th Apr 2011
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comments 3
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The author encourages honest critique.
8th May 2011 4:59pm
8th May 2011 5:13pm
Two quick typos: meant, circle. I think there's a few too many commas in this piece. While some are well placed, the rest are a tad extraneous. The purpose of a comma is to add a pause when you're reading, and if you add one in the middle of a thought it breaks it up. For example, the lines "i pass through the days,/acting as if im okay," are one cohesive thought, so perhaps the comma after "days" should be taken out. Ya see where I'm going? In addition, blanket punctuation takes away the effectiveness of each individual one. The reader sees fifteen commas, he or she sort of subconsciously skips over them all, so there's almost no point. Overall this piece has some promise, just needs some polishing to bring out the shine.
17th May 2011 5:31pm
