deepundergroundpoetry.com
Deathly Pain
This level of pain
is deeper than an ocean
The knowledge that I know I will lose you
at such a young age
is more than I want to bare
You're my love
my Master
My best friend
and my brother
You're my boyfriend
you're my father
it may sound strange
to others
calling you all of that
but you have been to me
what no one has ever truely been
So please
Please don't leave me
I don't want you to go
it could be years
I know
but it could be days too
Please if anything let it be years
Years
and years
and years
because they day you go
is the day I die too
is deeper than an ocean
The knowledge that I know I will lose you
at such a young age
is more than I want to bare
You're my love
my Master
My best friend
and my brother
You're my boyfriend
you're my father
it may sound strange
to others
calling you all of that
but you have been to me
what no one has ever truely been
So please
Please don't leave me
I don't want you to go
it could be years
I know
but it could be days too
Please if anything let it be years
Years
and years
and years
because they day you go
is the day I die too
Published 23rd Apr 2011
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The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
26th Apr 2011 1:08am
The way you describe the departing person as all of those things adds a layer of mystery to the poem which many pieces about love and loss don't have. It makes you realise how blunt and obvious so many love poems are.
26th Apr 2011 3:40am
Thanks so much Jack I wasn't sure about this one but I really needed to get it out. Thanks again!
17th Jun 2011 9:52pm
Wow i've read all of your poems and i think they are truely amazing.
You have such a talent.
Your poems are all filled with emotion and feelings, each and every one of them.
I love that i can relate to them, also.
Great job.
Keep going!
[;
You have such a talent.
Your poems are all filled with emotion and feelings, each and every one of them.
I love that i can relate to them, also.
Great job.
Keep going!
[;
20th Jun 2011 6:03am
Thanks so much I really appreciate it, I've had a bit of a writing lapse recently but hopefully I'm coming back.
22nd Jun 2011 2:25pm
The second line immediately set off my PCA, poetic cliche alarm. I was thinking to myself "uh oh, here we go. Another dull poem with the same old stuff". Thankfully you were able to break out of that. I'd personally still consider avoiding the use of that line, but that's just me.
I'd still like to feel more of that deathly pain if possible. You built the poem up with the description of having a best friend, brother, boyfriend, father (didn't really get much from "Master" other than domination or kinky S&M, sorry), but then I felt the poem slid a little and you lost some momentum. I feel like there's a better word for "master" if you're trying to evoke feelings of a strong, guiding hand.
It felt like (and I could be totally wrong here), you knew exactly what you wanted to say but in your despair forgot to put it into words while you were in the moment of (writing) the poem (if that makes any sense).
Oh and I think you meant "bear" on line 5.
Definitely some positives to take from this poem in terms of construction and execution, but it could be stronger. Hope you find this helpful.
I'd still like to feel more of that deathly pain if possible. You built the poem up with the description of having a best friend, brother, boyfriend, father (didn't really get much from "Master" other than domination or kinky S&M, sorry), but then I felt the poem slid a little and you lost some momentum. I feel like there's a better word for "master" if you're trying to evoke feelings of a strong, guiding hand.
It felt like (and I could be totally wrong here), you knew exactly what you wanted to say but in your despair forgot to put it into words while you were in the moment of (writing) the poem (if that makes any sense).
Oh and I think you meant "bear" on line 5.
Definitely some positives to take from this poem in terms of construction and execution, but it could be stronger. Hope you find this helpful.
26th Jun 2011 9:15pm
Your assessment of the word Master is spot on it's what it refers to as that is the relationship I have with the person I refer to in this poem. Thank you though for the rest of your critique unfortunately I know what you mean I was very depressed when I was writing this. It was the day I found out I could lose him at any point and I was trying to get my feelings out and calm down
