deepundergroundpoetry.com
Surreal
I'm late night eating
To feel less empty
Can't tell if it's working or helping
I enjoy these vegetables
They are cold but
They remind me that what I did was healthy
I did not want to hurt anyone
Especially the one I care for most
Who I've loved for so long of my life
But my feelings aren't the same
They haven't been for a while
And I've been living in denial
I don't want to accept that
Feelings can just die
I don't want to face the fact
That it's not enough when you try
And that time can kill as well as it can heal
It's too late for me to feel
Why does this have to be real?
I care but it's not enough, right?
Worst thing of my life
My emotion got lost in the night
Buried underneath all the pain between the hate
And the love that exists in the midst of it all
Drowning in the sea of whatever this is
And I am nothing now that I've let go of everything
That ever really mattered to me
But I don't feel, and that matters to me
As it should because it's no good
I can't lie about a love I once found truth in
I'd wish to get feelings back if I could
But they won't be back to consume me
It's over now I know it
And I cry more than you could know
Because my tears are the only thing that has potential to carry me to safety
Security lies in the embrace of acceptance
But I don't want stupid acceptance
I don't want this bullshit to be real for fuck sakes
But it is
And I can live in this dreamland forever
Or I can wake the fuck up
And realize that I did all I could do
That I fought as hard as one could fight
I did my best to give it time and wait
But I guess I ran out of whatever fueled my heart before
The fire died and there is nothing left to light it with
So great, I have to let this turn to ashes now
And I'll throw them in every place we ever went
The coffee shop floors, the restaurant parking lots
The beaches, the airports, every road we walked
Even the grocery stores
I don't care
They're going there
I'll even keep some in a jar for myself
To hold onto whenever I feel lonely or miss you
Maybe something like how I used to...
I don't know
I just want the memories of us to live on
Even if we're living apart
Because you'll always have a place in my heart
To feel less empty
Can't tell if it's working or helping
I enjoy these vegetables
They are cold but
They remind me that what I did was healthy
I did not want to hurt anyone
Especially the one I care for most
Who I've loved for so long of my life
But my feelings aren't the same
They haven't been for a while
And I've been living in denial
I don't want to accept that
Feelings can just die
I don't want to face the fact
That it's not enough when you try
And that time can kill as well as it can heal
It's too late for me to feel
Why does this have to be real?
I care but it's not enough, right?
Worst thing of my life
My emotion got lost in the night
Buried underneath all the pain between the hate
And the love that exists in the midst of it all
Drowning in the sea of whatever this is
And I am nothing now that I've let go of everything
That ever really mattered to me
But I don't feel, and that matters to me
As it should because it's no good
I can't lie about a love I once found truth in
I'd wish to get feelings back if I could
But they won't be back to consume me
It's over now I know it
And I cry more than you could know
Because my tears are the only thing that has potential to carry me to safety
Security lies in the embrace of acceptance
But I don't want stupid acceptance
I don't want this bullshit to be real for fuck sakes
But it is
And I can live in this dreamland forever
Or I can wake the fuck up
And realize that I did all I could do
That I fought as hard as one could fight
I did my best to give it time and wait
But I guess I ran out of whatever fueled my heart before
The fire died and there is nothing left to light it with
So great, I have to let this turn to ashes now
And I'll throw them in every place we ever went
The coffee shop floors, the restaurant parking lots
The beaches, the airports, every road we walked
Even the grocery stores
I don't care
They're going there
I'll even keep some in a jar for myself
To hold onto whenever I feel lonely or miss you
Maybe something like how I used to...
I don't know
I just want the memories of us to live on
Even if we're living apart
Because you'll always have a place in my heart
Published 10th Nov 2014
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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25th Jan 2015 8:52pm
So much pain WoundedHeart. You do have a way with words and can clearly articulate how you feel, at least in writing if not in spoken word.
I think this is powerful in its own right, and clearly has the potential for you to reflect and express your feelings.
Key things that stand out for me on this piece - the line about vegetables and their symbolism or mirror of what you having done with your relationship to have been healthy, despite the cold pain that results. The final line demonstrates your remaining compassion, and respect for what has passed, which is a great place to rest the preceding ministrations in pain. I found that last line hopeful.
Well done for getting this on paper!
I think this is powerful in its own right, and clearly has the potential for you to reflect and express your feelings.
Key things that stand out for me on this piece - the line about vegetables and their symbolism or mirror of what you having done with your relationship to have been healthy, despite the cold pain that results. The final line demonstrates your remaining compassion, and respect for what has passed, which is a great place to rest the preceding ministrations in pain. I found that last line hopeful.
Well done for getting this on paper!
25th Jan 2015 11:10pm
Thank you for the compliment, it's always reassuring to know that my feelings are conveyed clearly. I'm probably better at writing than spoken word, but I definitely do give my best attempts and I don't feel I'm terrible by any means. Though I also know there are times where emotion overtakes and words don't properly formulate, but I think that's a struggle we all run into at times during moments of high intensity.
It's great that you caught the symbolism in the vegetable section of this piece. I was hoping that somebody would, because I realized it after it was completed and I read back. I honestly wrote this at close to 6 in the morning just after I'd ended that relationship. I couldn't sleep and was hungry, so decided to eat random vegetables from the fridge to take the edge off of how I felt, and this was the result of all of that.
I'm extremely glad this grabbed your attention! I appreciate you taking the time to leave such in depth, insightful feedback.
It's great that you caught the symbolism in the vegetable section of this piece. I was hoping that somebody would, because I realized it after it was completed and I read back. I honestly wrote this at close to 6 in the morning just after I'd ended that relationship. I couldn't sleep and was hungry, so decided to eat random vegetables from the fridge to take the edge off of how I felt, and this was the result of all of that.
I'm extremely glad this grabbed your attention! I appreciate you taking the time to leave such in depth, insightful feedback.
