Holden Caulfield Syndrome

From a work in progress...  
   
For some reason November was going to be the bomb. I'd waited all year to be close enough to my savings goal to get some peace of mind. Some damn peace of mind would be great, I thought. I think that's all I need, really. In the course of one year and a bit more all seemed to have changed around me. But I found it hard to know if I had really changed, or if I was just feeling different.    
   
The dope got me going, though. For example that day, the three times I snuck and got high were by far better than the rest of the day. First I read. It was 10 am. I read like 50 pages of The Catcher in the Rye. I have a thing with classics, see, I can only read them when I have been digging that kind of book or author or whatever, but I hate reading what every one else reads just because. I really do. So this one I actually stumbled upon with quite randomly. Reading it on weed was quite trippy, too.    
   
Nowadays it seems I'm reading all those books you were supposed to have read in high school. I think my diploma is a farce, anyways. As I read, I thought of myself as Caulfield but I couldn't too long. The thing is, by now I'm 25, but this age is sometimes like a second adolescence during which you start chasing girls wildly again with a certain newfound insecurity. I mean, I thought of myself as pretty confident during the last college years. I had a girlfriend and was sure that she was the type for me. She was all right, I guess. Actually at some point I really loved her more than anyone. But the relationship itself I thoroughly didn't miss. And that's no lie, either.    
   
The reason I say we're like teens again at that age is that you feel just like when you're starting out in high school, right at the golden age of your awkwardness. But it wasn't high school anymore, at that time I was starting to dive in the world of the working environment and it's all the same there. Only time is a bit more stretched out. Some dudes are about to graduate and have been there for ages, it seems. Only then it's called getting a pension plan and not graduating. Others are starting out themselves but they are somehow cockier and more full of themselves, and have probably deeper pockets and get hotter chicks and stuff, too. Just like in high school.    
   
Anyways, time stretches when you join the workforce. It really does. It felt then as if months were weeks; weeks, days; days, a single morning or whatever. Nights were a weird moment when I could relax and time seemed to stop. If I made full use of that moment I didn't even wake up tired whenever I stayed up late writing. The nocturne session was the third high of the day. But in the middle of the day all I could think of was when I could get a moment alone to sneak the second one out. It's the dumbest thing ever. Risky too. But I was able to play some video games while high after managing to do it, and then my cousin called from the States. We had a good time talking, too.  
   
But, undoubtedly, nighttime was the best time of all to concentrate and to set my mind not to lose my nerve that first week of that month. Lots of things would happen. I had some work stuff to finish. Money that month was going to be enough to cover at least a good part of what I owed and it seemed that by the end of the year I would have finished paying the full mount. I'd never saved like that. Also some personal engagements. Gifts to buy. Events to attend and such. I was only going to make it to some due to work. But it would work out. Some work-related things wouldn't go as they'd been planned either, but who cared, anyways, if I was earning more than what I had thought I was going to when I graduated. I was meeting the savings goal without having been particularly frugal either. And one event was going to be really fun. If I managed to deal with that work and personal stuff that week, I thought I'd ask a girl out by the weekend. I had to tell her during whatever we did whenever we did it that I'm a weed smoker, though. That would have to be in the open.  
 
Recently I'd learned to be more straight forward when I asked another girl out via text and she wouldn't reply so I thought I'd better tell her how I felt and had felt about her and all since, well, I'd met her. I also sent her text but through other means. Who says technology brings people closer? All I got for a response was some stark "let's be friends" that left me feeling a bit desolate. But for some reason that weird sadness always turns into calm, and it did. Feeling calm I make better decisions. Now I wish I had known how she felt through other means, perhaps by asking a friend of hers or something, as to save me the humiliation of that awful letter I sent her. Shit. Well that was that, it seems. This girl really had me going, though. Yesterday I dreamt of her and I don't think I had ever had a dream quite like that one. It stuck in my head and though I forgot the context in which it unfolded, I remembered the whole feel of it. It wasn't sexual or anything. I just imagined us together in public for some reason. Honestly it reminded me of my previous relationship. I think I just wanted a better relationship of the same type. This girl seems better. And I mean better than I. They themselves, she and my ex, I mean, really can't be compared. I think I really can get to know someone's uniqueness. I think most of the times they don't notice, though. Nobody ever notices anything. Well, I guess that's all you can say until you decide to act a bit more cheekily and just go on and declare your devotion to someone.    
   
Well, now about the girl I plan to ask out. She still hasn't taken over me whole. The first day I met her I liked her right away and the day after that I couldn't think of nothing but her shyness coupled with her amazing looks, that sort of combination just kills me. And it did. We were at a restaurant and her cousin and her boyfriend, who is my friend, left to smoke, tobacco that is, and we were alone for a moment. She'd just arrived so we had only crossed words to greet each other, and then she was the one who broke the ice, actually. She just said "so" casually, as if we had been chatting all along. I thought it was gracious of her and the conversation began. She told me what she did and I the same to her and all the 'this-and-that's that are casually thrown during such talks were being so thrown, but as she was saying something I couldn't hear her right, so, very assertively, I got up and moved to the other side of the table, next to her. I thought it was just good manners because I hate yelling, but it came out smooth I guess. But that's not the point. That doesn't really impress girls unless you yourself are quite an impressive sight, which I doubt I am, I mean, I'm alright but I think I now my limits in terms of looks. Anyways, the point is she kind of flinched and blushed a little. It was subtle but I picked it up cause she brushed her hair behind her ear a little.    
   
Those types of thing give people away but sometimes they have no idea. You gotta watch out for those that do. That's also the type of thing I'm talking about when I say can get to know someone that's unique. I really can. Well maybe not absolutely unique but less commonplace, you know, interesting enough or whatever relative term you'd choose. The second time I saw her I was just baffled because it turns out she's one of those difficult ones to read. I told her I liked her, too. I told her one of my friends, who was there with us that time, also liked her, as to let her choose between us. Of course I did it without him noticing. Maybe it was a low thing to do because after I left, my friend tried to kiss her and she wouldn't let him. The next day my friend told me about this failed attempt of his and I told him about my intentions like a true gentleman would. I also texted her that day and said goodbye and talk to you later kind of casually and aloof. I'm not the type that stays texting for hours going on about crap, anyways. This could have also left her with some want or curiosity, I thought later, but I didn't do it with malice. I really didn't. I really did like this girl.    
   
Anyways, my plan was to get her to date me and maybe by the end of the month she could go with me to the event I mentioned. It'd be awesome I thought. I was probably getting ahead of myself but I thought it was plausible. Either way it turned out, I was sure that month was going to be the bomb. Or something at least.