The what and the why

Consider this a question,
A query of sorts,
Why did some significant power make my fetal head burst forth?
My life has been repeated over and over again.
I've seen the depths of hell,
And the outer edges of heaven.

Like a lost shadow with no mass to follow,
I'm hung out to dry in the mouths of the absu
With deafened ears but a mind that screams out all my restless soul has defiled.

I'm tired of hiding,
So many years have passed,
Since I first welcomed the twisted face daemon of my past.

In a bed colder then a freezer, straight following the stings of my Dad's lashes,
I opened up to the things hidden under beds and the darkest of places.

I've watched lights flicker or not turn on when switches ask,
I've heard demonic laughter fill the vast black voids of my bedroom basement.
I've heard the quiet heels, of a so called Lucifur pace my bed,
I've watched my most prized childhood possessions explode over my head.

I spent three winters, being pulled thru and drowning under the ice.
I've felt the anguished filled pain of cars crushing my back and hips thrice.
I've tasted the flesh of the most popular and beautiful women,
I've had my whole world crush me again and again.

I've watched myself crush steering wheels with the skin of my throat,
I've broken every window with a wild head stroke.
I've felt the heavy feeling of a ton of steel striking with force,
As well as the simplicity of pins and needles as my heart fell off course.

Why am I here, is all I want to know,
I thought I finally ended it with coke and heroin overdose.
Still the next morning I woke in shame,
I swear the forgotten ones are going to use me to reclaim.

So many times I've given god the ok.
I've offered myself in so many ways.
Beneath the cold consuming waters as a child,
and even once I drenched my self and set the flames,
But here I am, confused and going insane,

I don't know what else to do,
As I lad I opened the way,
I fell with a glass and opened all my wrists veins,
Next I stepped in front of an aluminum bat,
Against a back stop I remembered to forget,

Still here I'm alive,
Which I think is bad for you!
I no longer feel life, but the bleak emptiness that is pouring thru.
Am I just a gateway, a path of release?
Am I just simply the emptiness the ancient ones need?

I feel like a gate cuz they only hurt my family and friends.
I feel no hurt even though they have beaten me again and again.

I'm scared by this revelry
I'm scared by the way the shadows pile.
My family turns to the bible, and believing in denial.

My chest is always pulsing, as shadows desintegrate,
My emotions swelling in disgust, when I find a knife in my hand.

I ask you what and why, I swear to you there are tears in my eyes,
I look down at the cleaver in my hand,
And pray to an absent god that has no power to convince me the blood won't finally close this loop.

Please help me, I'm so scared of what the old soul in me wants to do.

She's laying next to me, a snore fills the air,
I cover her mouth and nose and laugh while she gasps for air.
The voices are returning as the snake slithers forth,
I hear his words so clear, demanding my lost soul to venture forth.........

Oh my god........

What have I done.........

Please save me......

It's him and he's not done

Marduk protect us,
From kutulu's grip
Deny Igigi's grip,
please close the gates I've accidentally opened.

IA! IA! ZI AZAG!
IA! IA! ZI AZKAK!
IA! IA! KATULU ZI KUR!
IA!

Fuck! My emptiness wants to devour you too!