Divide

...the poem sat so long without being read. People don't have to open the poem to see the first few lines, and they aren't great.

My heart fragmented into diminished pieces (this image doesn't work in the mind's eye)
The world I knew demolished by a small insignificant speech
My body grew numb and the pain ceases (ceased...tense issues to work on)
But I am forever out of love's reach (why? The lines above don't lead to this line)

With each plead I sink more (with each plead? Confusing)
Into the mournful dark abyss
Deeper in my heart this feeling tore (tears, not tore? Tense issues again)

....and on it goes.

Work on your editing skills, and when you post, take a look at what the reader sees before they open the poem...if that bit doesn't kick you just won't get read...

Uhm kk. I would think that the title "Divide" and the poem being in the love section would show the reader what everything means in it.Lol work on my editing skills? xD Have you read any other of my poems? I admit this one isn't all that great but telling me I need to work on my editing skills is a bit much don't you think? :| And I don't post poems just for the reads, I post them because it's like posting my feelings, and in a way it makes me feel better about myself. ^.^
 

Amen sister! You tell him! I have all kinds of problems with that troll! There is a difference between honest critique and being asinine about it. Who the heck does he think he is anyways? the copywriter for DUP? "laughs"

Amen sister! You tell him! I have all kinds of problems with that troll! There is a difference between honest critique and being asinine about it. Who the heck does he think he is anyways? the copywriter for DUP? "laughs"

Lol thank you <3 And yeah..saying something like that is pretty much like bombing my poem -.- I welcome advice but that shiz I won't be afraid to fight back on :| lol and it's like..the poem was published yesterday xD How as it been sitting there "for so long" ?

No trolling intended....you ask for honest critique and got it...quite happy to go elsewhere if you don't like the tone. If you look at the advice without getting your back up you'll see the comment is fair...and is what you'd get from anyone who was being honest...and yes I have read your work...I generally read 5 poems from a writer before I write a critique, so I am talking about 'the work', not just one piece.

Asking a writer to edit is not pissing on their parade, it is standard advice given to almost all writers, especially when spelling mistakes are creeping in...and editing is what separates the good from the great...

I agree with you to some extent. It just seems you can come off a little to crass sometimes. I have followed your advice because you do give it good without sugarcoating it. I guess some people can be a little too touchy sometimes (myself included) someone may ask for honesty and get discouraged easily due to your retort. I know you yourself can't control that, but minds are very impressionable things. You're very honest, just sometimes to the point that it may irk some people. I am honest as well, because you have irked me, but in the same way I have taken help from what you've said. I don't know you personally, but if I did I would probably understand where you're coming from better.    

Mate that's very true...I have a way of speaking and writing that can easily be read as pissed off, but really isn't....always sorry when people think I'm having a go...

No, I'm sorry but what you were basically saying is that my poem sucks. And the way you said it sucked. I asked for honest critique, not for someone to tell me I need to work on my editing skills. And if you actually did read some of my other poems (Which I highly doubt) then you probably would've mentioned it in your so called "critique". You took a piece of my poem saying it didn't make sense and the wording I used "didn't fit". Sorry but I would like it if you didn't post anymore "helpful" comments on any of my poems.

No worries....bit too precious for my tastes...it turns out you want comments like you give "Lovely <3 Well written :P I like it" which don't give the writer shit, and help no one improve...which believe it or not, some people are here for...what you want is adoration, so maybe next time don't pick the 'honest critique' box, because you just can't hack it when somebody is honest, but instead take it as an attack on you...bored now, so very very bored...

And, just for you, here is an article on how to edit your own writing...although I doubt you'll read it, because you seem to think that editing is a dirty word. Even Hemingway said that his gift was not writing, it was editing, and that was what made him great...instead you have chosen to attack someone who has taken the time to give you honesty...
 
Editing is a multiple-pass project that takes considerable patience. I list below some reasonable ideas for each edit cycle. The sequence that you execute these steps may impact the style you produce; experiment a bit to see what order works best for your writing. You will know you are done editing when you are positively sick and tired of reading your work again.
 
 
 
    I. Synonyms     
        
Buy the best thesaurus you can find. It helps if it has a "category" section that allows you to browse by large ideas. Read your creation and look up synonyms wherever you feel a better word might more accurately describe your ideas. Be careful though: keep in mind that your audience has a certain level of sophistication and might be turned away from words that are overly complex.
 
 
 
    II. Similes and Metaphors     
        
Add them where you can, but try to be appropriate within the context of your descriptions. Sometimes too broad a metaphor (or too flashy a simile) can distract from the actual thoughts of your storyline. Don't mix metaphors by comparing something to a teapot only to compare it later to an automobile.
 
 
 
    III. Dictionary Check     
        
Go through your document and look up in a dictionary any words where you aren't 101 percent sure of their meaning. I've surprised myself a couple of times when I have used a word repeatedly only to look it up and find it has another meaning entirely.
 
 
 
    IV. Read Aloud     
        
You don't have to do this in front of other people. Surprisingly enough, even reclining on your sofa all alone you can immediately catch awkward phrasings and words that you are using too frequently.
 
 
 
    V. Action and Active Voice     
        
Your writing will be clearer if you structure your sentences as subject-verb-object; tell action rather than describing situations. Use your word processor to search for words ending in "-ed" -- if you preceded this word by "is" or "was" (or similar verbs) the phrase would be better rewritten. Also check for the word "there" followed by "is" or "are" (or similar verbs).
 
 
 
    VI. Be Positive     
        
Occasionally the word "not" is useful for emphasis. Most of the time though a sentence is stronger when positive; use your word processor to search for the word "not" and recast the sentence using other descriptives.
 
 
 
    VII. Kill Commas     
        
A comma followed by the word "but" is okay. Commas separating a list of things are okay. Commas setting off parenthetic expressions are okay. Other commas, however, need careful scrutiny -- should it be a semicolon, a colon, an em-dash, or parentheses?
 
 
 
    VIII. Drown Your Darlings     
        
If something sticks in your mind as being "ever so clever" you probably should remove it.
 
 
 
    IX. Re-order Your Words and Sentences     
        
Keep related words together -- adjectives next to their nouns. The important words go at the end of the sentence; the important sentences go at the end of the paragraph.
 
 
 
    X. Words Have Rhythm     
        
Sometimes reading can be awkward due to the "bumpiness" of the accented syllables. Mark up your document with the accented syllables and reword singsong passages (101010) or places that have too many accented syllables in close proximity.
 
 
 
    XI. Spell and Grammar Check     
        
Finally give the document the good old spell and grammar check with Microsoft Word. This will catch any remaining flaws, however use your own discretion to violate some grammar suggestions if you are achieving special effects. Trust your ear.

Lol, like I said, I asked for honest critique NOT someone telling me my poems suck. And the way YOU worded it sucked. Kk?

Lol, tell me since you apparently have read my other poems :) (Since you claim you read "5" poems before you critique one) What are your thoughts on my other ones? ^.^ I'm DYING to hear it. But then again no, since obviously the way I write isn't good enough for your taste? xD Lolz way to go bro <3 And your giving me a "tutorial" on editing? Lolz you should try one on manners.

not to be rude...but isn't critique supposed to be pointers to help you improve? he's giving you what you asked for and he's a working writer reading your work, trying to help, not pick on you. i would say 'thank you' and take the advice and if you want something else, then tick the 'friendly advice' selection; because critique around here is honest ripping of your writes to help you get better.

Well well, here is Hemi making friends with the people again. He's a prick my dear Hazel, but he does love words, so perhaps a mild undoing of your rancour is in order? I personally would have just said the poem was pretty average, and left it there.

Yeah, I'm saying the way he said it was rude. I welcome advice lol it's the way he said it that pissed me off :P

I read this and thought it was honest help. I retract my previous statements...Only because editing does help. If you're overly wordy or use words wrong, some people may not understand the point you're trying to get across. The best advice is to be as clear and concise as possible. Without overly doing it to the point where the flow and rhyme scheme is blurred. He is giving honest critique, even if it does feel like it. hemihead, maybe you have chosen the wrong career path, maybe you should be a copywriter or editor, you seem to know more about it than most other people. Hazel my honest to god advice is to go and pick up a book on basic grammar and punctuation, and give it a go, it can do nothing but help improve the talent that you already have! I myself have the dummies guide to grammar and spelling "laughs" if it helps me out than more power to me! ;)

:) Ty <33