A Letter To My Past & Present

Dear 9 year old me,
pink, fuzzy sweatpants are not a good choice for an outfit.
Dear 9 year old me,
wearing peace sign shirts does not make you a "hippie."
Dear 9 year old me,
don't let other kids call you names for dressing differently.
Dear 9 year old me,
you're not a freak because you like the color black and Madonna.
Dear 9 year old me,
you are not an outcast because you're shy and don't know how to make friends.

Dear 10 year old me,
you're not fat, you're fluffy and fluffy is amazing.
Dear 10 year old me,
don't try and make yourself puke just to fit in.
Dear 10 year old me,
stop crying yourself to sleep over people you'll never please.
Dear 10 year old me,
try to hang in there, things do eventually get better.

Dear 11 year old me,
don't feel weird because you think a girl is cute.
Dear 11 year old me,
don't hate yourself because you're different.
Dear 11 year old me,
don't make life hell for your crush, she's a person, too.
Dear 11 year old me,
it's no one's fault that you're gay.
Dear 11 year old me,
please don't pick up that razor.
Dear 11 year old me,
stop going to church just to cry in the back, it's okay that you like girls and nothing can change that.

Dear 12 year old me,
you have your first girlfriend, congratz!
Dear 12 year old me,
when your mom finds out and says she hates you, don't cry.
Dear 12 year old me,
please just put down the razor, scars take a while to heal.
Dear 12 year old me,
when the other kids start saying you're going to hell, don't believe them.
Dear 12 year old me,
when they push you down the stairs on May 25th, cry.
Dear 12 year old me,
you don't have to be tough all the time, you're human.

Dear 13 year old me,
don't starve yourself for days on end, you can see your ribs.
Dear 13 year old me,
you've lost 70 pounds, it's unhealthy now.
Dear 13 year old me,
it's better to be fluffy and healthy than anorexic and sick.
Dear 13 year old me,
tell someone you need help.
Dear 13 year old me,
don't hide your cuts from the guidance counselor.
Dear 13 year old me,
don't hate yourself because you can't do math well.
Dear 13 year old me,
don't start drinking and smoking.
Dear 13 year old me,
please just eat something...

Dear 14 year old me,
don't beat yourself up for getting a 99 on an English test.
Dear 14 year old me,
you're still not stupid just because you can't do math.
Dear 14 year old me,
don't isolate yourself from your family, even if they do hate you.
Dear 14 year old me,
don't eat a lot and then throw it up afterwards.
Dear 14 year old me,
don't obsess over germs because that's still a problem today.
Dear 14 year old me,
don't stop talking for eight months because you're sad.
Dear 14 year old me,
you're not okay, stop lying. You need help.

Dear 15 year old me,
gaining weight back is a good thing.
Dear 15 year old me,
don't cut over only losing a pound.
Dear 15 year old me,
stop! You're cutting too deep!
Dear 15 year old me,
don't feel ashamed that you're in a clinic.
Dear 15 year old me,
don't cry because other kids think you're crazy.
Dear 15 year old me,
they were never nice to you anyway, don't think about them.
Dear 15  year old me,
please take your medicine and listen to your therapist.

Dear 16 year old me,
when you go back to school, be honest.
Dear 16 year old me,
don't romanticize suicide and self harm.
Dear 16 year old me,
don't try to get other people to start.
Dear 16 year old me,
don't hate happy people.
Dear 16 year old me,
don't build walls.
Dear 16 year old me,
don't make it a goal to only get worse, depression isn't your friend.

Dear 17 year old me,
why did you try again?
Dear 17 year old me,
why are you not taking your meds?
Dear 17 year old me,
don't plot revenge against your classmates.
Dear 17 year old me,
don't try to ruin their lives.
Dear 17 year old me,
don't go back to church just to cry.
Dear 17 year old me,
you're not going to hell. Start thinking for yourself.
Dear 17 year old me,
you're not a freak because your only friend is your girlfriend.
Dear 17 year old me,
you need to start trusting her more.

Dear 18 year old me,
don't start abusing pills.
Dear 18 year old me,
don't start drinking.
Dear 18 year old me,
don't start cutting.
Dear 18 year old me,
stop letting your depression win.
Dear 18 year old me,
please don't try again, things are so close to getting better.
Dear 18 year old me,
stop pretending everything is fine when it's not.
Dear 18 year old me,
don't break up with your girlfriend just because she thinks you need help.
Dear 18 year old me,
don't try to hate her.
Dear 18 year old me,
don't try to distance yourself.
Dear 18 year old me,
don't step off of that chair!
Dear 18 year old me,
it's a good thing you didn't learn how to tie your shoes until you were 8.
Dear 18 year old me,
take your medicine.
Dear 18 year old me,
go talk to your therapist and be /honest/.
Dear 18 year old me,
your life is about to get a hell of a lot better.

Dear 19 year old me,
let Melissa back into your life.
Dear 19 year old me,
let yourself trust her.
Dear 19 year old me,
it's okay to say that you love her.
Dear 19 year old me,
start taking your pills.
Dear 19 year old me,
keep taking your pills.
Dear 19 year old me,
start chasing your dreams.
Dear 19 year old me,
move in with her.
Dear 19 year old me,
leave your old life behind.
Dear 19 year old me,
don't ever look back unless you have a purpose in doing so.
Dear 19 year old me,
open up to her, she won't hurt you.
Dear 19 year old me,
let yourself fall head over heels in love.
Dear 19 year old me,
when you quit smoking, drinking, and other harmful things, it's going to suck but you will get through it.
Dear 19 year old me,
keep studying hard.
Dear 19 year old me,
watch as those scars fade out of existence.
Dear 19 year old me,
I'm so proud of you for eating four slices of pizza last night.
Dear 19 year old me,
I think you finally made it.
Dear 19 year old me,
stand tall despite being 5'3 and let no one get in the way of your dreams.
Dear 19 year old me,
stand tall because at one point, even the Empire State building once nothing but an empty, ugly, shell.
Dear 19 year old me,
you're beautiful and I love you.
Dear 19 year old me,
I think we're finally healing.