deepundergroundpoetry.com
uhhhhh..... soul?
when i think of my soul
i begin to feel a whole
to me its all a craze
livin in modern days
told to live one way
my soul feels astray
i want to resist
people may get pissed
i just want be me
joyous today and forever free
my soul is alright
ready for flight
i have a desire for more
than the modern day bore
i dont want to be dark and down
i dont need a kings crown
it all leads to desolation
and eventually isolation
that will get to you
and choke you till your blue
i dont want that change
i know when i die
my soul can fly
others are burdened with hate
they will never see the pearly white gate
i begin to feel a whole
to me its all a craze
livin in modern days
told to live one way
my soul feels astray
i want to resist
people may get pissed
i just want be me
joyous today and forever free
my soul is alright
ready for flight
i have a desire for more
than the modern day bore
i dont want to be dark and down
i dont need a kings crown
it all leads to desolation
and eventually isolation
that will get to you
and choke you till your blue
i dont want that change
i know when i die
my soul can fly
others are burdened with hate
they will never see the pearly white gate
Published 14th Apr 2011
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The author encourages honest critique.
14th Apr 2011 6:54am
...you aren't doing yourself any favours when you use the wrong 'whole' in the second line, and the rhyming feels very forced. Maybe ditch the rhyming, or do some reading around how rhyme needs to work to sound effortless...and then the ending feels like you just kinda got tired so bolted it on...all in all nothing here to get the reader excited.
15th Apr 2011 4:36am
15th Apr 2011 4:36am
15th Apr 2011 5:08am
none of us on this website are pros. were here to post poems that hopefully someone likes or finds meaning in and improve. the criticism isnt helpful at all. maybe ill ill start ragging on all your poems? no. i wont stoop to your low level ever in my life. just because you didnt appreciate it doesnt mean that there isnt someone out there who finds pleasure or a meaning in it. there might have been a deep message in it to someone that you and i dont even know that they got. thats the best feeling about writing poetry to me. but christian, i really liked this poem keep makin em beast.
P.S.
beastin last two lines
P.S.
beastin last two lines
18th Apr 2011 6:51am
18th Apr 2011 11:59pm
