deepundergroundpoetry.com
Alone
Walking through these cold streets
The lights are out and I can’t see.
The darkness is taking over me
I feel the cold in my heart.
It’s so dark around me
I can’t see, the darkness is so thick
The cold is taking over my body
I can’t move anymore
And the people are walking by
Without helping me
Can’t they see that I’m stuck?
Can’t they see that I’m lost?
I’m alone on a Planet
It’s getting darker every minute
I’m alone and the darkness took my soul
The lights are out and I can’t see.
The darkness is taking over me
I feel the cold in my heart.
It’s so dark around me
I can’t see, the darkness is so thick
The cold is taking over my body
I can’t move anymore
And the people are walking by
Without helping me
Can’t they see that I’m stuck?
Can’t they see that I’m lost?
I’m alone on a Planet
It’s getting darker every minute
I’m alone and the darkness took my soul
Published 9th Apr 2011
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9th Apr 2011 2:32pm
The central theme is quite nice, just a personal note.. I think using fewer words to convey the same feelings would probably have delivered a stronger impact.
"Walking through these cold streets
The lights are out and I..
I feel the cold grip my heart.
I can’t move anymore
And the people are walking by
Blind..
Without helping me,
Alone on a Planet
Getting darker every minute
Alone and the darkness took my soul."
You can let the readers infer that you are stuck and lost..readers would love to infer how these indifferent people made you lose your soul and made you indifferent to the world or maybe indifferent to your own self, and fewer words definitely help the cause, repeating the word dark frequently might have a diluting effect on the feel.
Cheers !
"Walking through these cold streets
The lights are out and I..
I feel the cold grip my heart.
I can’t move anymore
And the people are walking by
Blind..
Without helping me,
Alone on a Planet
Getting darker every minute
Alone and the darkness took my soul."
You can let the readers infer that you are stuck and lost..readers would love to infer how these indifferent people made you lose your soul and made you indifferent to the world or maybe indifferent to your own self, and fewer words definitely help the cause, repeating the word dark frequently might have a diluting effect on the feel.
Cheers !
12th Apr 2011 7:56am
Wow thanks for this comment.
You are right, using less words does improve it.
Thanks for this advice, I will use it in my later poems.
Thanks!!
You are right, using less words does improve it.
Thanks for this advice, I will use it in my later poems.
Thanks!!
