deepundergroundpoetry.com
Does anybody care & Why should I care
Does anybody care?
Are you even close to aware?
The light doth falling in,
in the sights of spirits, we din.
The attic has nothing in it at all
we have a life without a call.
Is it strange how no one gives a shit?
When life is theirs the motto is: Fuck it.
Life is going to continuously going faster,
followed up by an endless laughter.
Wasting time as if it is endless,
our fate is no longer a guess.
Does anybody care?
Are you even close to aware?
That life is a game and it is halfway done.
Here you are having succeeded with none.
Why should I care?
Are you even aware?
I know the light is falling fast
and this life has little to last.
But my life has enough time,
my girlfriend is cost less than a dime.
Why should I conserve time if it ends soon,
I'll be dead by noon!
Life is a game and it is halfway done,
Here I am succeeding with many than none.
Are you even close to aware?
The light doth falling in,
in the sights of spirits, we din.
The attic has nothing in it at all
we have a life without a call.
Is it strange how no one gives a shit?
When life is theirs the motto is: Fuck it.
Life is going to continuously going faster,
followed up by an endless laughter.
Wasting time as if it is endless,
our fate is no longer a guess.
Does anybody care?
Are you even close to aware?
That life is a game and it is halfway done.
Here you are having succeeded with none.
Why should I care?
Are you even aware?
I know the light is falling fast
and this life has little to last.
But my life has enough time,
my girlfriend is cost less than a dime.
Why should I conserve time if it ends soon,
I'll be dead by noon!
Life is a game and it is halfway done,
Here I am succeeding with many than none.
Published 11th Aug 2014
| Edited 14th Aug 2014
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11th Aug 2014 5:01pm
It looks like a closed-end couplet, so I suggest that you divide this into group of two lines each. Not only will it look better, it will make your message clear and understandable. As of now, you're missing quite a bit in the main body of the poem. With a little bit of tweaking here and there, you'll be able to come with a beautiful poem full of passion and emotion relatable to many. Hope I have given you enough hints.
By the way welcome to DUP, Valley...
@EngrVV
By the way welcome to DUP, Valley...
@EngrVV
Anonymous
- Edited 13th Aug 2014 2:31am
13th Aug 2014 2:29am
Yeah, the focus of this is pretty scattered which tends to happen when writing from an emotional perspective. Like a grenade going off - shrapnel radiating outward in all directions instead of in a linear direction like a bullet.
Step outside yourself, perhaps try writing it from the perspective of one of these people who are not aware as you claim.
Keep at it.
Step outside yourself, perhaps try writing it from the perspective of one of these people who are not aware as you claim.
Keep at it.
