deepundergroundpoetry.com
Golden Poppy Light (Romance. challenge)
Sparkling dust dances now, with beams
landing colour of golden poppies
splashed through open balcony doors
Late afternoon
lounging with leaves' shadows
scattered over half the floor-
our daytime gone has been well lived
in that golden poppy sun
I laughed on and on
my muscles still hurt
lying breeze-clad on the sofa-
I had thought you'd let me win
but you got me
Good
Thinking back, I do regret
having torn up so many
tiny, papery, morning daisies
asking them questions no flower
should have to try to answer
especially since I knew the truth
whatever they had to say
Your eyes, satisfied
in golden sun
gave it all away
landing colour of golden poppies
splashed through open balcony doors
Late afternoon
lounging with leaves' shadows
scattered over half the floor-
our daytime gone has been well lived
in that golden poppy sun
I laughed on and on
my muscles still hurt
lying breeze-clad on the sofa-
I had thought you'd let me win
but you got me
Good
Thinking back, I do regret
having torn up so many
tiny, papery, morning daisies
asking them questions no flower
should have to try to answer
especially since I knew the truth
whatever they had to say
Your eyes, satisfied
in golden sun
gave it all away
Published 5th Apr 2011
| Edited 6th Apr 2011
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 7
reading list entries 0
comments 14
reads 1114
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
5th Apr 2011 3:42pm
"He loves me, he loves me not. He loves me, he loves me not." I love the incorporation of the "golden poppy" concept here. Good one Jest
5th Apr 2011 4:04pm
5th Apr 2011 3:48pm
Brightens my day just because it has my name in it. I loved it first time I read it and love it still - so innocent and yet mature. Honestly stunning.
5th Apr 2011 4:07pm
glad it made you happy! i had a few reasons for choosing that colour and your name was a cherry-on-top one.
i had fun, oh, Threadmistress. [:
i had fun, oh, Threadmistress. [:
5th Apr 2011 4:13pm
6th Apr 2011 00:45am
Beautiful! Such a joyous concept for romance. What real love should be, laughter and sunlight, porch swings and comfy couch cuddling.
6th Apr 2011 1:03am
thanks, jade! i was somewhat inspired by the perspective in your "Playground" haiku so i'm glad this caught your eye. [:
6th Apr 2011 10:50am
I'm agreeing with Jade! i feel like Im in a daydream while reading this... lovely work Jacki! :)
6th Apr 2011 11:14am
Anonymous
6th Apr 2011 6:57am
I'm sick of using the generic adjective beautiful, yet I can't think up another one which so perfectly describes this poem. It's soft, exquisite, delicately erotic conveyance of love making and romantic feeling is divine. My only quibble rests with this line: "scattered 'cross a half the floor". "'Cross a"? I see what you were going for, but why not just put "across"? It would make more sense and improve the rhythm.
6th Apr 2011 8:45am
thanks, Jack! yeah, looking at it today, i think "over" does the best job syllable-wise. i had a haiku that LA put in the forum stuck in my head and i ended up making that sentence a little awkward. thanks for checking! always appreciated. [:
7th Apr 2011 9:40am
i like this poem a lot,i think it radiates compassion,and paints vivid pictures of a wonderfull day spent in the company of romance.
"I laughed on and on
my muscles still hurt
lying breeze-clad on the sofa-
I had thought you'd let me win
but you got me
Good "
profound..
"I laughed on and on
my muscles still hurt
lying breeze-clad on the sofa-
I had thought you'd let me win
but you got me
Good "
profound..
7th Apr 2011 9:51am
7th Apr 2011 10:07am
