deepundergroundpoetry.com
Jesse
Today is the day you regret you ever said a goddamn word to me,
Beat me down spat in my face for the whole world to fucking see,
Soon enough you'll remember my face as it will be the last thing your beautiful blue eyes will look at,
Parked the car across your house under the luminous streetlight is where i sat,
reached in the glove box and pulled out a piece with your name carved in it,
polished the beautiful, majestic item, placed it in my mouth to see how perfect it would fit,
your light when on and i made my move, stepped out of the vehicle and put the piece in my jacket pocket,
Pulled out a delicate piece of stainless steel the same steel that will be in your eye socket,
you opened your door and i approached your yard,
You looked me in the eyes but couldn't make out the face and yelled "What the FUCK are you staring at retard?",
i just smiled and stepped closer i drew the blade up to my chest and you backed up to the garage,
"Hey man what the fuck are you doing, i didn't mean to offend you," oh how i belived those words you said weren't true, i crept slowly toward the cowering boy,
"What the FUCK you looking at?!" i yelled in his face, "N-n-nothing man, nothing,"
He peered at my steel piece and i stuck that fucker right in his beautiful blue eye,
oh how he screamed and how he tried to slowly take it out,
"You don't remember me do you?" he answered in screams which were music to my ears,
i brought him down with a elbow to the throat, laying on the floor hands on the blade's handle, i got on top of him and pulled out the piece while i wipped the tears from his eyes,
i kicked him in the ribs and broke 3 of them, oh how wonderful the cracking sound they made sounded,
he let out a big yell but before he closed his mouth i shoved the piece right in, his eye opened wide, and he said with a muffled voice, "I'm so sorry,..," i pulled the trigger and took the blade out of his eye, his mother came outside, and gave out a big ass yell, seeing her son's brains all over her drive way was a terrible sight for her to see, i shot that bitch too and she was the last person i'll see,
Beat me down spat in my face for the whole world to fucking see,
Soon enough you'll remember my face as it will be the last thing your beautiful blue eyes will look at,
Parked the car across your house under the luminous streetlight is where i sat,
reached in the glove box and pulled out a piece with your name carved in it,
polished the beautiful, majestic item, placed it in my mouth to see how perfect it would fit,
your light when on and i made my move, stepped out of the vehicle and put the piece in my jacket pocket,
Pulled out a delicate piece of stainless steel the same steel that will be in your eye socket,
you opened your door and i approached your yard,
You looked me in the eyes but couldn't make out the face and yelled "What the FUCK are you staring at retard?",
i just smiled and stepped closer i drew the blade up to my chest and you backed up to the garage,
"Hey man what the fuck are you doing, i didn't mean to offend you," oh how i belived those words you said weren't true, i crept slowly toward the cowering boy,
"What the FUCK you looking at?!" i yelled in his face, "N-n-nothing man, nothing,"
He peered at my steel piece and i stuck that fucker right in his beautiful blue eye,
oh how he screamed and how he tried to slowly take it out,
"You don't remember me do you?" he answered in screams which were music to my ears,
i brought him down with a elbow to the throat, laying on the floor hands on the blade's handle, i got on top of him and pulled out the piece while i wipped the tears from his eyes,
i kicked him in the ribs and broke 3 of them, oh how wonderful the cracking sound they made sounded,
he let out a big yell but before he closed his mouth i shoved the piece right in, his eye opened wide, and he said with a muffled voice, "I'm so sorry,..," i pulled the trigger and took the blade out of his eye, his mother came outside, and gave out a big ass yell, seeing her son's brains all over her drive way was a terrible sight for her to see, i shot that bitch too and she was the last person i'll see,
Published 5th Apr 2011
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5th Apr 2011 1:45am
...this is pretty bad.
The use of the word 'piece' doesn't work because you aren't clear about what it is.
The victim changes from a 'your' voice to 'his'...which is just good old fashioned bad writing.
The punctuation is all over the place.
But worse, you didn't create a character I care about, either the attacker or the victim, and then you threw the mother in as a last second thought that only confused the story.
Do some more reading, and work on the basics of spelling and punctuation...and since this is more a story than a poem, do some reading about how a story is built...the creation of tension etc...
The use of the word 'piece' doesn't work because you aren't clear about what it is.
The victim changes from a 'your' voice to 'his'...which is just good old fashioned bad writing.
The punctuation is all over the place.
But worse, you didn't create a character I care about, either the attacker or the victim, and then you threw the mother in as a last second thought that only confused the story.
Do some more reading, and work on the basics of spelling and punctuation...and since this is more a story than a poem, do some reading about how a story is built...the creation of tension etc...
5th Apr 2011 2:01am
Anonymous
10th Apr 2011 6:29am
It does seem to be rambling a bit. Maybe a more concentrated effort next time? Structure is the key to properly formed ideas. Its hard I must agree. I believe all poetry is neither wrong nor right, its what you get from it is whats most important...alas some people are quite picky compared to others. Don't let it discourage you one bit though. Just write for yourself and no one else. In time if you work on it you'll get better on your own. Its a craft you have to practice, much like everything else in life. Good luck!
