The Legacy

       
       
       
Mum , the day you slapped down                that pic of you and Dad -                     
"HAPPY THEN ...... BEFORE YOU CAME !" - i knew that I was bad.                    
A failed backstreet abortion,                    
I stopped you in your tracks.                    
You cried when you gave up your job        and couldnt fit your slacks.                    
                     
                     
I make you say the Bad Word                    
and you will go to hell                    
and this fucking cow's responsible              for Dad's misery aswell.                          
 Your drinking and depression ,                     your loneliness and spite -                    
" ALL YOUR FAULT !" you scream at me .      I wet my pants in fright .                    
                     
  (my favourite ones with oranges and lemons on them)                    
                     
Mum , the day you told me                    
I'd come home to find you dead,               then made me, sobbing, go to school,       I threw up from sick hot dread .                 Miss Dunn says its that breaktime milk       curdled in my tummy ....                    
"Whats that my love ? " the teacher laughs .                    
'"Of course you haven't killed your Mummy !"                
                     
(Now then silly , whatever made you think of that ? ....)    
   
    (Half an hour earlier .......)    
   
"DO YOU WANT TO FIND ME WITH MY THROAT CUT CLAIRE ?????    
 JUST LIKE I DID MY MOTHER ? "    
 (No 'Genes Reunited' back then ....    
 .... 'What will YOU discover ?' )    
 And as I strained at the school window    
 I knew I must never ask    
 "MUM !!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I ran into your arms    
 with my paper mache mask.    
   
   
And every night I prayed to God,                pleading beneath my covers.                    to the God you'd said would strike you down ,                   
who punished wicked mothers.                 I begged him not to strike you yet -           I hadn't finished trying                    
to make you better . Cross my heart .        Our Men. (P.S. not lying)                
               
(P.P.S. Say hello to Gentle Jesus x)                
                   
You told me it was my fault                      
you drank til you were sick.                    
You told me it was my fault                    
until you made it stick,                  
like your bile around the sink -                  I'd scrub, so Dads not sad .                    
And to this day I clean clean clean       when the pain near drives me mad .              
  I'd lie at night and hear you                    retching through the wall.                
It left me scarred with phobias                   i knew not what to call.                    
Lonely little weird kid -                    
ashamed , I hid my fears .                    
One more isolating secret                     
that only Teddy hears .                    
                           
                     
 Mum , the day you told me                    
I was a "NASTY LITTLE CHILD !'"                   was the day that my self hatred                   really started running wild.                    
The day that smashing things I loved          first failed to bring relief.                    
The day I re-invented                      
  'CLAIRE !'               
   Self-harming,                 
       Lying,                 
      Thief .           
                 
           
                 
The day I started high school ,                
seemed like everybody knew                
you were An Alcoholic.              
Traceys Mum heard it from Sue .                Yep , everyone except ME -                 
But then i'm such a stupid cow .            
'GLUG GLUG GLUG !!!!!!' they followed me.               
I can hear their laughter now.                         
                     
And all the times you told me     i would never have no friends                    
became the nights , years down the line ,  that i'd strive to make amends                   and prove you wrong by having                  lots of new 'friends' to my bed.                  Barfly girl . An easy lay.                  
"She's nice , but off her head ....."                 
  And mum , the day you shamed me         on that first time that I bled                    
was the day I stored away to meet              the man that I would dread ,                    
who'd belittle with his bitter words                just like the ones I'd learned                     and put me in my place with fists                i knew that I had earned.                    
                     
 And mum , the day you told me                 it was me who made you ill ,                   
I lost respect for everything -                    
the drugs , the drink , the will -                    and self destructing , pushed my                leaky boat up to the line ,                    
but even failed at sinking.                   
You were right. I have 'no spine'.       
                   
(Along with 'no personality' and 'no Intelligence' .....)           
           
           
And i know you were tormented            by your own childhood of pain                    and never managed to escape                   your own abusers ball and chain.                Dad said "Make allowances ...."                 But never told me how                    
to bear your rage your blame your shame            
  and not be damaged now.            
                   
                     
And they call it the Long Shadow ,             but they say Im near the light .                   
Fuck, i dont want to leave you here Mum but they say my future's bright                   and that I have the power                    
to turn this ugliness to grace                      
and forgive the frightened child  
in me ,      
in you,    
  so    
   all's    
     not    
       waste.