deepundergroundpoetry.com
Drained
Feeling drained
Like the life has been sucked out of me
Though there are no puncture marks
To show the loss of my lifeblood
Eaten alive by the crows
That pick the bones clean.
Does anyone else know how this feels?
Life being so surreal at times
I wonder at everything
Why some things have to be
The answers evade me
My mind turning
Tuning in and out
Looking to the light asking questions
Seeking revelation one minute
Then closing my eyes not wanting to see.
If I will them gone
The voices will fade
I tell myself
Look away don't listen
Keep writing can't stop
I have to do something to shut them out.
I've tumbled down the rabbit's hole
More times then I can count
Though it wasn't Wonderland I found
It was the world turned upside down.
Where the t.v talks back and mocks
Pictures look back at you
Bite and scratch
Seeing the powers that be
Stripped of their masks
Laughing because no one else can see.
Like the life has been sucked out of me
Though there are no puncture marks
To show the loss of my lifeblood
Eaten alive by the crows
That pick the bones clean.
Does anyone else know how this feels?
Life being so surreal at times
I wonder at everything
Why some things have to be
The answers evade me
My mind turning
Tuning in and out
Looking to the light asking questions
Seeking revelation one minute
Then closing my eyes not wanting to see.
If I will them gone
The voices will fade
I tell myself
Look away don't listen
Keep writing can't stop
I have to do something to shut them out.
I've tumbled down the rabbit's hole
More times then I can count
Though it wasn't Wonderland I found
It was the world turned upside down.
Where the t.v talks back and mocks
Pictures look back at you
Bite and scratch
Seeing the powers that be
Stripped of their masks
Laughing because no one else can see.
Published 31st Mar 2011
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The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
31st Mar 2011 8:00pm
The last stanza isn't needed. "Laughing because no one else can see" would such a more potent ending. Also, "Lifes" should be "life's in the context of the poem's fourth line, though I think that "lifeblood" would be a better word choice anyway.
The last two lines of the first stanza run into each other a little bit. To correct this I would separate that final question so it stands on its own apart from what precedes and succeeds it. This would also make it more potent, I think.
Otherwise I like this piece, especially the fourth and fifth stanzas. That Alice in Wonderland reference was inspired. "Though it wasn't Wonderland I found/It was the world turned upside down" is my favourite line in the poem, while the following verse's image of a TV talking back is almost as brilliant.
The last two lines of the first stanza run into each other a little bit. To correct this I would separate that final question so it stands on its own apart from what precedes and succeeds it. This would also make it more potent, I think.
Otherwise I like this piece, especially the fourth and fifth stanzas. That Alice in Wonderland reference was inspired. "Though it wasn't Wonderland I found/It was the world turned upside down" is my favourite line in the poem, while the following verse's image of a TV talking back is almost as brilliant.
31st Mar 2011 8:58pm
Thank you Jack for the honest comments I was feeling like the last stanza didn't fit but I never know when to end a poem..thank you also for the kind comments..it's very appreciated..peace Crim
Dose not the power to some questions; come from the questions themselves. I find this powerful poem spoke of that. Excellent talent as always.
7th Dec 2017 2:03pm
beautiful Jade you really make me feel special I aspire to do the same & catch up with your older writes.. thank you dear one for your fresh way of seeing things..
love Crim
love Crim
