no score

usually around bedtime
and before lift off to work
I get this sense
of being part of
an exhaustive game of tennis

I'm not sure how long I play
and I'm not sure what's the score
every sign is hidden...
there are not landmarks or a play field
everything's distorted into confusion

I don't know if we play singles,
couples or threesomes anymore
I'm unaware
...but I keep hitting the ball
trying to score a point

if I win, I loose
if I give up, I loose
if I loose, I loose
my play moves are void
but I play

this blindness and quietness
turn me into paranoid
I never knew a detective lives in me
with trembling hands
craving adrenaline shots

creeping, sniffing, hiding behind corners
trying to get an evidence
a landmark, a simple sign
of where he stands
and what the score is

sometimes I think to myself
probably everyone on the playground
except me
knows the score
it's obvious

but they allow the play to go on
as an emphatic sucker punch
and an act of kindness
either expecting me to give up
to leave or to drop down in exhaustion