My suicide attempt. "Up side Downs"

I waited until everyone was gone and it was just me at home. I snorted a gram of coke and smoked a fat blunt, then I walked into the bathroom and broke my shaving razor. I removed one of the razors and looked at it. I stared at it for sometime. The only other time i had cut myself was when i had taken scissors to my chest so this was quite the jump for me. I remember thinking 'this is the end....there's no going back after this'. I lightly ran the razor over my arm. Oh fuck it was sharp.....

I'm right handed, so I cut my left wrist. I run the razor from left to right. I put little to no presure just to feel the pain and to feel what i was getting myself into. I cut....1...2....3..4...5.6.7.8.9 I've lost count. I keep cutting, one after another and no blood running? What the fuck am I doing wrong.....I probably need to cut deeper..... I start to put more and more pressure on each swipe. I start to see the white meat that lays uderneath my brown skin as it splits. Each cut deeper and deeper. 'why the fuck am I not dead yet?.....' I think to myself. Maybe I need to go down the street as they say.

I start to cut myself vertically and start to think 'maybe I need to start cutting the back of my arm' and so i did. I cut my arm all around going up and down sideways and back. Trying to make sure I die with every swipe. 'Why the fuck am I not bleeding yet?!' I think to myself. I go deeper and deeper as the anger and hate for myself grow and grow. I just want to fucking die....why the fuck can't i die.....what am I doing wrong!? I finally take one last sweep across the top of my forearm and i can see the skin split. I see it, the vein.....I think i might have done it..... I see all the wounds but no blood? Then all at once it starts to flow. Like a faucet set on high the blood flows to my elbow from each wound I had inflicted on myself.

I run into my room and play my suicide soundtrack. I start to go in and out of counciousness. I can't belive this. 'It's so exciting' I think to myself. I finally get to see what's at the end of the road. I start to have a bit of regrets. I grab a pair of pants and lay my arm on it, that way it's an easy clean up for whoever ends up finding me dead. I would hate to leave any memories. At this point I just want to be forgotten. I have the home phone in my pocket, just in case I didn't want to die. So I can call for medical help.

I look at it and notice my vision is starting to blur.....I call my friend Rafa. We talk for a little while and he asks me what is wrong. I tell him not to worry and that I love my friends more then my family. "I did something to myself..." I say. "Are you ok?" he asks. "No...but don't worry...i just want you guys to know i love you and you mean the world to me". Rafa "Do you want me to come over?" "No, It's fine.....I made a really stupid mistake but everything will be alright....I love you guys and you mean the world to me" I responded."If you need me to come over i can?" He responded. "No it's fine"I repsonded. "Just remember I'm always here if you need someone". I start to tear up and cry, "I know man....I love you and all of my friends.....but i need to go..." I said. Rafa-"I love you to man, just remember I'm always here if you need me".  "I know....i need to go though....bye rafa...." and i hung up the phone.

I started to go in and out of conciousness. I looked at my arm as all the blood ran out of it. I started to think 'what is this all for?....' I just wanted to stop being a problem to my family. I lost my father, I lost the love of my mother, my brother hates me.....and finally i lost my sanity and life..... I stare at the ceiling and everything becomes dark. I think to myself 'finally.....sweet release..." I can hear birds chirping. I open my eye's and realize I'm still alive......'Fuck! what the FUCK!? I managed to fuck up my own suicide?!' I think to myself.