deepundergroundpoetry.com
No One Knew
Six months went by and
Nobody knew she was dead.
Her family perished in a car
Accident the year before and
She’d always been a loner.
After the accident, she got a
Loft and paid six months
Rent in advance.
Three months in, she put a
Gun to her head and decided
Life wasn't worth living--
Not one friend or family
Member around to pull her
Away from the ledge.
Her body just lied there on the
Couch facing the skyline,
Wasting away in front of the
City she used to love.
Three months later, her
Landlord found her once
Beautiful corpse, ruined,
Lifeless, and unnoticed--
Not a single soul in
Existence to pay for a
Funeral or tombstone.
The only evidence she
Ever lived was in an
Obituary printed by a
Pointless newspaper
Read by the elderly
Searching for old
Friends that may of
Past away.
Nobody knew she was dead.
Her family perished in a car
Accident the year before and
She’d always been a loner.
After the accident, she got a
Loft and paid six months
Rent in advance.
Three months in, she put a
Gun to her head and decided
Life wasn't worth living--
Not one friend or family
Member around to pull her
Away from the ledge.
Her body just lied there on the
Couch facing the skyline,
Wasting away in front of the
City she used to love.
Three months later, her
Landlord found her once
Beautiful corpse, ruined,
Lifeless, and unnoticed--
Not a single soul in
Existence to pay for a
Funeral or tombstone.
The only evidence she
Ever lived was in an
Obituary printed by a
Pointless newspaper
Read by the elderly
Searching for old
Friends that may of
Past away.
Published 9th Jun 2014
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 3
reading list entries 0
comments 12
reads 877
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
9th Jun 2014 5:19am
I twisted it up a little but this is a true story. A woman really did die in a New York apartment and her body wasn't discovered for six months. No missing persons add, nothing. It can be lonely world that we live in.
Oh, and thank you as always for reading!
Oh, and thank you as always for reading!
Anonymous
9th Jun 2014 8:16am
<< post removed >>
9th Jun 2014 8:19am
Thanks man, I'm glad you liked it.
And that was my favorite part, good eye!
Thanks again for reading and commenting!
And that was my favorite part, good eye!
Thanks again for reading and commenting!
9th Jun 2014 11:21am
9th Jun 2014 11:27am
10th Jun 2014 3:40am
The final few lines have the most impact -- the contrast between lost youth and it's natural conclusion, staring at one another.
14th Jun 2014 12:25pm
That's what I was going for so I'm glad you picked up on that. Thanks for the read!
11th Jun 2014 3:06am
Man your work is like taking an inside view to the millions of tragedies happening all around us at any given time
Truly the sign of a great writer!
Outstanding and prolific makes you think...
XOXO
Fire
Truly the sign of a great writer!
Outstanding and prolific makes you think...
XOXO
Fire
14th Jun 2014 12:27pm
Thank you so much.
That was very nice of you to say.
I'm happy you see my work that way.
That was very nice of you to say.
I'm happy you see my work that way.
Anonymous
- Edited 12th Jun 2014 8:43am
12th Jun 2014 8:39am
Hi Anthony,
I'm Alexander Case's friend and I was reading some of your work and i stumbled on this recent work of yours. I"m very sorry to hear that this is a true story and certainly a tragic one. I commend you for writing about it, i'm sure the story deeply touched you.
I hope you don't mind if I share some of my thoughts looking at this piece from the structure to the conveyance of the message since you put it down as poetry and not a prose.
At first glance it reads like each stanza was a statement with short precise stories rather than links to each other and it seemed that you were saying so much where poetry itself should leave much to the imagination, make the reader think and connect. It's good to add some metaphors talking about death and how each one of us will have to face and how that is most often the biggest fear we all have.
Good strong beginning and ending is very important, and middle stanzas are crucial to keep the momentum flowing without losing your audience.
My favorite is the 'aha' moment, where suddenly the reader realizes something that they never thought of before and that is how you capture their attention.
I hope you don't mind but i took the liberty to write my own version of your poem and this is the editing result.
Death is the shadow
which follows loneliness
crawling in silence
like a faithful friend
slowly drowning clarity
to the edge of madness
dissolving light and dark
forcing obscurity
to seek salvation
in the arms of a void;
where truth and lies intersect
searching for the core
The beautiful corpse
now lays in a pristine room
untouched of humanly needs
21 grams of nothingness
facing the heavens for redemption
unowned and unclaimed
as the bellowing breeze
rustles the sheer blue curtains
gently sweeping and wading
through memories,
immortalized on her last breath
The unmarked grave
with the wooden cross
shelters the tattered newspaper
blown with the tumbleweeds
ink faded
beneath the fruitless tree
I'm Alexander Case's friend and I was reading some of your work and i stumbled on this recent work of yours. I"m very sorry to hear that this is a true story and certainly a tragic one. I commend you for writing about it, i'm sure the story deeply touched you.
I hope you don't mind if I share some of my thoughts looking at this piece from the structure to the conveyance of the message since you put it down as poetry and not a prose.
At first glance it reads like each stanza was a statement with short precise stories rather than links to each other and it seemed that you were saying so much where poetry itself should leave much to the imagination, make the reader think and connect. It's good to add some metaphors talking about death and how each one of us will have to face and how that is most often the biggest fear we all have.
Good strong beginning and ending is very important, and middle stanzas are crucial to keep the momentum flowing without losing your audience.
My favorite is the 'aha' moment, where suddenly the reader realizes something that they never thought of before and that is how you capture their attention.
I hope you don't mind but i took the liberty to write my own version of your poem and this is the editing result.
Death is the shadow
which follows loneliness
crawling in silence
like a faithful friend
slowly drowning clarity
to the edge of madness
dissolving light and dark
forcing obscurity
to seek salvation
in the arms of a void;
where truth and lies intersect
searching for the core
The beautiful corpse
now lays in a pristine room
untouched of humanly needs
21 grams of nothingness
facing the heavens for redemption
unowned and unclaimed
as the bellowing breeze
rustles the sheer blue curtains
gently sweeping and wading
through memories,
immortalized on her last breath
The unmarked grave
with the wooden cross
shelters the tattered newspaper
blown with the tumbleweeds
ink faded
beneath the fruitless tree
14th Jun 2014 12:29pm
Noted. Thank you for taking the time to read and offer suggestions. You make some good points and I will try to incorporate them in my future poems. Thanks again and I appreciate you taking the time to give me an in depth comment.
