From Tar to the Stars

As for my
Journey, I’ll
Sink until I
Can't breath
Before I
Quit on my
Dreams.  

I enjoy the tempo and pace.  Flows so freely.  Delightful

Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
I'm happy to see my attempts with knew form are working.

philosophical. life is a forced march. even one star is a victory...

Agreed my man, agreed.

Cool writings Gonzo - epic final stanza

Thank you, and thanks for giving it a read.

excellent.....

You're excellent.

Anthony, this was pretty good and didn't need much work. I've rewritten the piece to give you a few things to think about, like the structure and expanded on a few lines to make it a little more poetic and give the piece a bit more depth in a couple of sections.    
   
The poem is slightly dark in content, so I think the piece feels like it should be read slower, especially the way you've written it. I've condensed the poem by making the lines longer, ending each line with stronger words.    
   
When you structure your poem, think about how you want the poem to be read by your reader. Generally finish a line when you want a short pause and new stanza at the start of a new sentence or when you want a longer pause at a change in the story/subject. [This general rule was often broken by modern day poets e.g. Bukowski, because his poems are best read drunk and read like you have a brain injury].    
   
The use and extent of punctuation is entirely up to the poet, but is more often required for longer poems with multiple sentences per stanza. Most modern day poets won't use much punctuation, if any, because they rely on their structure.  
 
Also, I changed the word "journey" to "life," because the word journey is a cliche. Try to avoid using cliches when writing, but if it's unavoidable rewrite it in a way that you make it yours, e.g. "I'm on a journey to my tar pit heart..."
 
Overall I enjoyed this poem, especially the way you used the tar theme throughout the piece.    
   
   
From Tar to the Stars    
   
I walk down a path of tar       
struggling to move my feet
         
I know of the music and lights       
playing with my mind    
at the end of the road     
but    
can I make it   
before it’s too late?    
         
I’m slowly sinking    
to my knees       
but still I push on    
one foot in front of the other  
relentless in my pursuit    
         
can I make my way    
through the muck    
and find this so called    
love     
         
tar is the darkness    
that isolates me    
it is the silence    
that consumes me    
tar is my enemy     
         
this is my life    
I’ll sink until I can't breath    
before I quit on my dreams    
         
one of these nights    
those lights and love    
will be mine    
the music too    
no more tar    
just the stars.

Thank you for taking the time to read and review my poem and your criticisms are noted as usual. You make some great points and I will be sure to incorporate them in my upcoming work.  

Reminds me of a heroin addict lost in it's clutches almost gone for good but still with enough internal hope to see the llight although grasped by darkness, great as usual man.

That's a very apt description. I like that idea a lot. I actually had the idea while listening to Heart Shaped Box when he says I've been trapped inside your magnet tar pit trap so your comment fits the poem perfectly.
Thanks for the add and I'm really glad you enjoyed it.

hell yeah man....in case you haven't noticed I kinda dig me some Cobain!

I've definitely noticed, glad to know a fellow kindred spirit!  

exactly...you should check out his journals if you have not already read them, pretty brilliant stuff.

I've been meaning to just haven't got a hold of a copy yet but thanks for the reminder, I shall soon!