deepundergroundpoetry.com
Toy-Shop
I knew this toy-shop-
the shutterbugs & frills,
behind the dark nights,
a horse loosing the race,
against hypocrite-funk men,
a train shaft to never harm,
unlike the metal railways,
with no fish-plates.
Where, "Kramer Vs Kramer",
is not appreciated,
and Hoffman’s egos,
does not surfaces above,
the colorful brick games,
which no kids of their age,
can construct or build,
in their ageless innocence.
The monkey clatters,
the parrot chatters-
happier in their plastic shapes,
for they may last longer,
than their babies,
pampering them like parents,
and then killed someday,
for their parent’s controversies.
the shutterbugs & frills,
behind the dark nights,
a horse loosing the race,
against hypocrite-funk men,
a train shaft to never harm,
unlike the metal railways,
with no fish-plates.
Where, "Kramer Vs Kramer",
is not appreciated,
and Hoffman’s egos,
does not surfaces above,
the colorful brick games,
which no kids of their age,
can construct or build,
in their ageless innocence.
The monkey clatters,
the parrot chatters-
happier in their plastic shapes,
for they may last longer,
than their babies,
pampering them like parents,
and then killed someday,
for their parent’s controversies.
Published 26th Mar 2011
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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comments 6
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The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
- Edited 27th Mar 2011 10:39am
27th Mar 2011 10:14am
You comes across like Emily Dickinson sometimes with your strange syntax and punctuation. The commas interrupt the flow so many times here it's like constantly striking a brick wall, creating a thump thump thump effect. I'd recommend removing all punctuation. This would help the rhythm tenfold I think.
Also, try not to use ampersands like you do in the second line. In a poem like this it just looks lazy.
There are a few grammatical mistakes* which I've listed below, but I'll forgive those because I know English is your second language. So aside from these quibbles, how does the poem hold up? Well it's nicely sinister at times, with some elegant expressions and images which make this seem like The Nutcracker crossed with a horror movie. I'm also delighted that you've finally ditched the long winded prose expositions at the end (though I must admit I rarely read them anyway). My favourite lines in this piece were:
"the colorful brick games,
which no kids of their age,
can construct or build,
in their ageless innocence."
This is really quite insightful and poignant. Also, though it took me a while to get why you'd put a Kramer vs. Kramer reference in this poem, I think I understand it now, and reading it again brings a smile to my face.
*1. "A horse loosing the race" - should be "losing".
2. "Does not surfaces above" - should be "surface".
3. "parent's controversies" - should be "parents'". When you're using a plural in the possessive context, you always put the apostrophe after the "s".
Also, try not to use ampersands like you do in the second line. In a poem like this it just looks lazy.
There are a few grammatical mistakes* which I've listed below, but I'll forgive those because I know English is your second language. So aside from these quibbles, how does the poem hold up? Well it's nicely sinister at times, with some elegant expressions and images which make this seem like The Nutcracker crossed with a horror movie. I'm also delighted that you've finally ditched the long winded prose expositions at the end (though I must admit I rarely read them anyway). My favourite lines in this piece were:
"the colorful brick games,
which no kids of their age,
can construct or build,
in their ageless innocence."
This is really quite insightful and poignant. Also, though it took me a while to get why you'd put a Kramer vs. Kramer reference in this poem, I think I understand it now, and reading it again brings a smile to my face.
*1. "A horse loosing the race" - should be "losing".
2. "Does not surfaces above" - should be "surface".
3. "parent's controversies" - should be "parents'". When you're using a plural in the possessive context, you always put the apostrophe after the "s".
27th Mar 2011 10:41am
Dear Jack, I could have replied to you in private but then I thought that this could have been contrary to the nature of being of myself at the recieving end. First of all I would like to thank you for reading and bearing me with such a long note, the best ever comment I have recieved from anyone in my life for any of my works. As for the grammatical ones, my sincere apologies for them not because english is ma second language but because I am getting lil editing times these days. I am having a pile of ma works bunched up awaiting editing task before the actual postings. I want to share ma works and listen to my readers heart which is more important for me these days because I feel suffocative due to my lack of time schedules.
I will recommend all ma readers to read Jack's comment actually before reading this piece which can help them to understand this lil faulty work of mine. And yeah Jack I admire those comparisons with Emily and The Nutcracker. Keep reading this way dear.
I will recommend all ma readers to read Jack's comment actually before reading this piece which can help them to understand this lil faulty work of mine. And yeah Jack I admire those comparisons with Emily and The Nutcracker. Keep reading this way dear.
27th Mar 2011 10:31pm
28th Mar 2011 12:02pm
I agree Ophie and there is no second opinion on what Jack said. However, I have released a second edition of the poem editing for the syntax and mailed it in your email-id. You can read that fresh version.
Anonymous
- Edited 28th Jan 2019 8:46am
17th Apr 2011 4:14am
<< post removed >>
20th Apr 2011 10:52am
I framed this poem in my mind about three years back and it took me long to bring such expressions. And Jack really helped me with some rich editing that has made it more interesting. The edited version is there in my archive and not this one.
