deepundergroundpoetry.com
Just lose it
walking to a conventional
with straights and gays bisexuals
where all things come eventual
and rape comes unintentional
games and muse so sensual
we feel so impenetrable
all the girls candy and wine
and hormones so electrical
our heads all high up in the clouds
a rainbow pops up in the sky
our heads and bums make formal bows
cocaine and dust our party high
saliva warm and licks in ears
your shadows low and fucking lies
the moon sheds out multiple tears
hair held back crows let out their cries
broken glass and pottery
they walk in and out all in pairs
cheating on the lottery
we're blowing up the county fairs
our lives we cannot choose it
too little help too little clues
trapped in hypnotic music
one day you'll fucking lose it.
with straights and gays bisexuals
where all things come eventual
and rape comes unintentional
games and muse so sensual
we feel so impenetrable
all the girls candy and wine
and hormones so electrical
our heads all high up in the clouds
a rainbow pops up in the sky
our heads and bums make formal bows
cocaine and dust our party high
saliva warm and licks in ears
your shadows low and fucking lies
the moon sheds out multiple tears
hair held back crows let out their cries
broken glass and pottery
they walk in and out all in pairs
cheating on the lottery
we're blowing up the county fairs
our lives we cannot choose it
too little help too little clues
trapped in hypnotic music
one day you'll fucking lose it.
Published 8th Jun 2014
| Edited 15th Jun 2014
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 1
reading list entries 0
comments 1
reads 759
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
15th Jun 2014 9:34pm
you've got some real visual gems in here.
i particularly liked "cocaine and dust our party high" and "broken glass and pottery"
i was a little confused by s1 l1 "a conventional", not sure if that that was meant to be "convention"... if not, the sentence feels a little incomplete.
also in s1 your rhyme scheme changes abruptly and alters the rhythm of your poem. this could be your intent (?)
you have some grammar and syntax errors here and there, though those are easily fixed with a quick spell check.
mind you, this is all just my humble opinion and you're welcome to ignore it.
peace, k
i particularly liked "cocaine and dust our party high" and "broken glass and pottery"
i was a little confused by s1 l1 "a conventional", not sure if that that was meant to be "convention"... if not, the sentence feels a little incomplete.
also in s1 your rhyme scheme changes abruptly and alters the rhythm of your poem. this could be your intent (?)
you have some grammar and syntax errors here and there, though those are easily fixed with a quick spell check.
mind you, this is all just my humble opinion and you're welcome to ignore it.
peace, k
