shrek is love Shrek is life

This is not my writing but too funny to ignore... Enjoy I guess
>Home alone waiting on the babysitter to come
>sitter was late but single mom needs to make this appointment
>leaves me at home with the promise of pizza if i behave until sitter arrives
>I know sitter is on the way but I decide to sneak out a quick rub
>in the bathroom, take out my ipad, set it on its stand on the counter
>unplug the head phones, full volume, I'm edgy as fuck and it's time to be reckless
>Grab the lotion and drop my pants, turn on the faucet to muffle sounds, not that reckless
>Bring in my favourite chair and cushion, place at a nice distance from the counter
>set myself up a nice comfy seat, Im going to be here for a while
>put on friend recommended fap video, something about a jinxed maze
>sexy Garcia lady comes on-screen, peanut butter skin, such ass, wow.
>begin beating furiously, until dick becomes sore and red(*purple, which is black persons sore colour)
>hears doorbell, odd, the sitter has a key why ring the bell? besides door is unlocked, im reckless
>decide to ignore it and see how far this reckless thing can go, 2edgy4you
>ringing continues, must assume sitter forgot keys, i bet she wants me to let her in,
>so fuck that noise, I'll make her wait. I'm so hardcore, rebel without a cause
>Ringing stops, she must have figured out the door was unlocked, look at that, a woman learning
>Still beating hard, im at the home stretch, my breathing is ragged, it's now or never
>at that moment sitter burst through the bathroom door, shouldhavelockedit.jpeg
>theres a moment of pristine clarity as she stands there staring in confusion, wondering whats going on
>I turn to face her, I'm as surprised as she is, but nothing in this world could stop my hand right now
>still beating, her eyes widen in shock, she's finally figured out whats going on, look of disgust
>her jaw drops, my face reddens with shame, and in that moment in one fluid motion i make the final stroke
>im paralyzed with pleasure as my shameful necter ejects itself at 9001 mph into or open mouth
>She screams, delirium, I can't blame her, I've been eating my spinach and wheaties, no pineapple
>immediate gagging, she retches all over the floor after a pitiful attempt to reach the sink
>shes so sexy when she's violently ill, i'm violently turned on by this
>she finishes and looks up at me, pleadingly, her mouth open in disgust
>jesus christ its the second coming, another load in her pitiful looking face
>she begins gagging, I can see the hatred in her eyes, but this time no vomit
>she grabs onto me as her eyes roll into the back of her head, shes choking on my onion juice of love
>she's gonna die, not how i'd pictured my firs intimate encounter, I scream for help, anyone
>right then I hear a rumbling sound from the bathtub, the smell of body odor and onions permeates the room
>I look up, staring at me in the mirror are a pair of the largest, yellowest most beautiful eyes I have ever seen
>It's Shrek, he's so beautiful. He looks at me and says, "Eh Laddeh, this is mah swamp"
>I hear him but all I can do is look on as he pulls up his kilt revealing a massive 20 foot shrock
>"It's all ogre now" he says as he forces himself into my sitters mouth, his shrock sliding 8 feet down her throat.
>she begins to convulse violently, shuddering on his massive shrock. at least she won't die in vain
>one thrust, two, three, four. the tip of his shrock erupts violently from her ass, she is a skewer on his pole
>he gives her a finishing shake, one flick, two, he slides himself deeper into her, ripping her ass as he exits
>her eyes roll into the back of her head as she gives her final shudder, what a glorious way to die
>he slides her over the tip, his sweet onion juice of love flowing freely, dying her hair white
>"now its your turn laddeh" he says, dropping her limp lifeless body
>"Bend ogre laddeh" he says wiping the blood off his shrock into my sitters hair
>I turn around bending over the counter, preparing myself to receive Shreks love, excitement
>he spits on the tip of his mighty shrock, I can smell it from here. Im overcome with nasuea
>I pull down my pants eager to experience shreks love, finally!
>"That'll do, that'll do" He presses the tip of his mighty shrock to my firm virginal butthole
>I almost faint with pleasure, deeper, forcing the tip, reaming me
>I feel my anus split, he shoves deeper, my hip bones crack
>glorious, the pain is exquisite, the pleasure melancholy, I am in ecstasy
>several thrusts later, I am still holding on, eager to please my ogre lord
>I push against his thrusts, eager to prove my love
>the blood loss is catching up to me, I'm losing consciousness quickly "Shrek, Im dying"
>"Hold on laddeh, just one more layer" he shouts with a final magnificient thrust
>The tip of his mighty shrok erupts from my mouth, such glorious agony
>he pulls back, filling me with his sweet onion juice of love
>I'm choking on it, gagging as it fills my lungs, this death is such sweet sorrow, I'm in utter bliss
>he tosses my limp and soon to be lifeless body on top of my sitter, im to be with her in death, romantic
>"It's all ogre now" he says as he punches a hole in the wall and jumps through
>this is the last thing I see as I slowly fade into blackness, drowned in his sweet onion juice of love
>Shrek is love, Shrek is life

Oh.