deepundergroundpoetry.com
Give Us A Smile
You're gone - the Pygmies knew
Abducted by the camera in blue filter
sitting pretty for the darkroom
Double-take
to be sure you get at least one
that saves you from looking the fool this roll 'round
You fill up the black and white cracks
with oozing mud
paint in the deep red
Pretend it's life blood
truth coming through
but capturing sides
like a photograph
won't make you genuine
won't drive you to improve
Angles:
instant, easy, candy sweet
make you lazy
so busy
admiring those current
sugar angles of yours
Let's have another look
in the light
Abducted by the camera in blue filter
sitting pretty for the darkroom
Double-take
to be sure you get at least one
that saves you from looking the fool this roll 'round
You fill up the black and white cracks
with oozing mud
paint in the deep red
Pretend it's life blood
truth coming through
but capturing sides
like a photograph
won't make you genuine
won't drive you to improve
Angles:
instant, easy, candy sweet
make you lazy
so busy
admiring those current
sugar angles of yours
Let's have another look
in the light
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likes 9
reading list entries 0
comments 16
reads 1085
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Haha, right on!
14th Mar 2011 9:53pm
Love the message, well, more of a statement really. I love how a rhyme slipped in there a few times and made me have to take a double-take. Great job!
2
re: Haha, right on!
14th Mar 2011 10:35pm
thanks, jade! haha, wasn't sure about posting this one, so a comment from you is a boost. [:
:o)
14th Mar 2011 11:36pm
Glad ya posted..
I'm Starting to appreciate this poetry lark, lol
Great work :o)
I'm Starting to appreciate this poetry lark, lol
Great work :o)
0
give us a smile
15th Mar 2011 00:09am
"you fill up the black and white cracks
primordial mud
paint in the deep red
Pretend it's life,
blood and true breaking through"
-this section really stuck out to me :D
primordial mud
paint in the deep red
Pretend it's life,
blood and true breaking through"
-this section really stuck out to me :D
0
re: give us a smile
15th Mar 2011 1:44pm
thank you, that's good to hear. i'd hoped i wasn't being too obscure with it. [:
(welcome to DUP, by the way; i like your work :)
(welcome to DUP, by the way; i like your work :)
Comment
Anonymous
15th Mar 2011 2:08am
Is this about fashion models? Forgive me if that question makes me sound retarded. Either way, this was an effective piece, well put together with a strong narrative and some great images. The opening about pygmies was my favourite.
1
re: Comment
15th Mar 2011 1:53pm
Jack, you never sound dense! it wasn't meant to be about fashion models specifically, but it could be construed that way i suppose. i meant it to be about normal people, (especially regarding just getting to know someone), but i like that others can see different 'angles' for some of my writes. thanks for the comment. [:
LA
15th Mar 2011 2:46pm
I really liked this, sent a good message about not needing to be beautiful. It made me feel comfortable in my shoes. Nicely done and relatable as always
1
re: LA
15th Mar 2011 5:30pm
thanks LA, so happy you could see some substance it it. i love getting your reviews!
Great stuff, lady!
9th May 2011 10:00pm
Aside from the reiteration of 'candy' here It was good stuff.
Angles:
instant, easy, candy sweet
make you lazy
so busy
admiring those current
candy angles of yours
I'd say change the last 'candy' to something similar and you have another wonderful piece of perfection.
Angles:
instant, easy, candy sweet
make you lazy
so busy
admiring those current
candy angles of yours
I'd say change the last 'candy' to something similar and you have another wonderful piece of perfection.
0
re: Great stuff, lady!
9th May 2011 10:11pm
Gives me a smile
9th May 2011 10:35pm
Love your poem to pieces - I love the flow - I love your words
Up until the near end that is.
I think this stanza stops the poem cold:
Damn, that is a good shot
showing the cheek with the clear complexion
Try reading it without it - Only my suggestion, nothing more - you have a very good poem either way
Up until the near end that is.
I think this stanza stops the poem cold:
Damn, that is a good shot
showing the cheek with the clear complexion
Try reading it without it - Only my suggestion, nothing more - you have a very good poem either way
0
re: Gives me a smile
9th May 2011 11:30pm
i never saw it before, and now that you've pointed it out, it's glaring! thank you for your honest and fresh opinion; i still feel like it needs some kind of wrap-up, but this'll do for now. thanks again. [:
comment
1st Mar 2012 5:47pm
that's a pleasure to read. the allegories are so effective to the degree that if i hadn't read your reply on Jack's comment I would have never guessed it!
0
re: comment
1st Mar 2012 7:45pm
really? why thank you, Ophie...i have never been satisfied with this write but if you saw something in it, i can appreciate it. thank you! x