deepundergroundpoetry.com
T.I.R.E.D.
Fueled by blindness
Driven by greed
Armor, layered with thick foolishness
Weapon, sharpened with hope in vain
Madness cropped at its best
A warrior pulled out of my thigh... signifying nothing
All battles entered, never won
Numbness, only trophy kept
Tired of tiredness
I slowly wither
Numb with solace
Fading in every pulse and beat of veins
An era that dawns failure
consuming me voraciously
~Atan
Published 22nd Mar 2014
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
22nd Mar 2014 5:27pm
There are some nice elements mixed with great lines in your ink ... (best)
Weapon, sharpened with hope in vain
A warrior pulled out my thigh ... signifying nothing
Others lines offer nothing new poetically and should be reworked:
Fueled by blindness
Driven by greed
I slowly wither
If you reworked those three lines to the point where they're as good as the other two - you'd have a damn good if not great piece ...
Welcome to DUP
Weapon, sharpened with hope in vain
A warrior pulled out my thigh ... signifying nothing
Others lines offer nothing new poetically and should be reworked:
Fueled by blindness
Driven by greed
I slowly wither
If you reworked those three lines to the point where they're as good as the other two - you'd have a damn good if not great piece ...
Welcome to DUP
22nd Mar 2014 11:55pm
Thank you sir, will work on it [smile] on the "flaw" part, I'll just let it be ;) to make it "pure"(on the other hand, I was trying to reworked it :D) Thanks on the honesty. DUP is a great page that helps inspire aspiring writer(s) like me
