deepundergroundpoetry.com
Death sentence
Basking in blood born particles,
missing most membrane,
blind bullet finds terrified target,
skull explodes
leaving traces of memory upon the lawn.
lying lonely, leaking last thoughts,
while wondering why....
Drive by shooting
missing most membrane,
blind bullet finds terrified target,
skull explodes
leaving traces of memory upon the lawn.
lying lonely, leaking last thoughts,
while wondering why....
Drive by shooting
Published 21st Mar 2014
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Anonymous
- Edited 21st Mar 2014 2:17pm
21st Mar 2014 2:00pm
I think the "Drive-by Shooting" would be a better title.
Considering the order in which you have placed the lines now, it reads that the bullet is the thing which is basking in the blood while missing most of the membrane (of the brain). Is that what you wanted to portray?
The last 2 lines refer to yourself as victim or do they refer to the one you have shot? Unclear which side of the gun author is on. Just a witness of the shooting? Might be a bit more impacting if you state what emotion you felt as witness, or shooter or the one shot.
Considering the order in which you have placed the lines now, it reads that the bullet is the thing which is basking in the blood while missing most of the membrane (of the brain). Is that what you wanted to portray?
The last 2 lines refer to yourself as victim or do they refer to the one you have shot? Unclear which side of the gun author is on. Just a witness of the shooting? Might be a bit more impacting if you state what emotion you felt as witness, or shooter or the one shot.
21st Mar 2014 5:20pm
