deepundergroundpoetry.com
Hope
She is hoping he doesn't notice
Not all of her is here with him
She is secretly daydreaming
A 'what if' somewhere else
She is hoping he doesn't notice
His coldness is pushing her away
She's been touched by a star
Dreams of basking in its warmth
She is hoping he doesn't notice
In his presence her heart beats faster
She's been enchanted by his spirit
Hopelessly resisting his draw
She is hoping he doesn't notice
Her skin is flushed, she's lost her words
She is blinded by his light
Left feeling vulnerable and confused
She is hoping he doesn't notice
Her heart heave is he walks in
She is longing for his caress
Is it just the intensity of the forbidden?
She is hoping they don't notice
Withdrawing to a place of safety
She only sees one way out
Closes the door to be alone in the dark
Not all of her is here with him
She is secretly daydreaming
A 'what if' somewhere else
She is hoping he doesn't notice
His coldness is pushing her away
She's been touched by a star
Dreams of basking in its warmth
She is hoping he doesn't notice
In his presence her heart beats faster
She's been enchanted by his spirit
Hopelessly resisting his draw
She is hoping he doesn't notice
Her skin is flushed, she's lost her words
She is blinded by his light
Left feeling vulnerable and confused
She is hoping he doesn't notice
Her heart heave is he walks in
She is longing for his caress
Is it just the intensity of the forbidden?
She is hoping they don't notice
Withdrawing to a place of safety
She only sees one way out
Closes the door to be alone in the dark
Published 13th Mar 2014
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comments 3
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The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
13th Mar 2014 12:31pm
Firstly, welcome to the DU. I hope you find everything that you are looking for here.
Secondly, a good start to your poetry here. I like the sudden vulnerability here that is experienced by both 'she' and the reader.
My only criticisms here would possibly be the last line. I think it's a little clunky and would give much more of an impact if it just finished with 'closes the door in the dark'.
Also Stanza 5, line 2: "Her heart heave is he walks in" - should this read 'Her heart heaves as he walks in'? This would make more sense. Wondered if this was an error.
Just my own honest opinion, of course. Thank you for the read.
Secondly, a good start to your poetry here. I like the sudden vulnerability here that is experienced by both 'she' and the reader.
My only criticisms here would possibly be the last line. I think it's a little clunky and would give much more of an impact if it just finished with 'closes the door in the dark'.
Also Stanza 5, line 2: "Her heart heave is he walks in" - should this read 'Her heart heaves as he walks in'? This would make more sense. Wondered if this was an error.
Just my own honest opinion, of course. Thank you for the read.
13th Mar 2014 12:42pm
Thanks for reading my poem Missy!
Well it's kind of a broken sentence 'she is hoping he doesn't notice her heart heave as he walks in'
I totally agree with your advise for the last line. I feel I'm relying a lot on cliches at the moment. Hoping I will develop my own style eventually
:D
Well it's kind of a broken sentence 'she is hoping he doesn't notice her heart heave as he walks in'
I totally agree with your advise for the last line. I feel I'm relying a lot on cliches at the moment. Hoping I will develop my own style eventually
:D
15th Mar 2014 11:45am
