totalitarian

my spinal cord is pushing against the edges of the cracked bath tub  
and i know i am drowning in the womb  
you are bathing my pale, naked body in the sink  
with a harsh dish scrubber, cutting my umbilical cord,  
wrapping it in a noose around my neck  
fluorescent white lights echo off your shaving nicks
i finally understand that hate tastes of vinegar  
and i want to fill my insides with the most expensive fermentation  
and vomit down your throat, whisper i deserve this  
you spit on my face as if to say nothing is scared
nothing is yours, you are made of me
but still when i picture a world where you do not exist,    
i can not breathe  
 
i pinch google maps and float farther away to nothingness  
then back down to your car where  
the cracking juts of your dark clavicles  
forever swallow my gentle lullabies whole,  
tossing them between sharp teeth,  
quick prayers spilling out chapped lips,  
crashing through shards of frozen glass,  
your body tumbling, trembling  
crashing over the waves, the windshield  
forever pulling tugging begging  
for just one piece of untouched flesh  
 
my feet continue to sink farther and farther into the sand  
the waves run hot water down my thighs  
i am inhaling fullness and my body is leaking the ocean  
i want to strip into fullness and drown  
 
when i kissed you i focused so much being perfect  
that we never touched again  
you told me that each time you become more alone you become more full  
that i taste of sour milk and the sweetest honey  
you said all you wanted was to hear me breathe on the phone  
that i was tinker bell and i needed people to believe in me to survive  
but instead i needed them to want me  
you told me that the word beautiful had never seen me  
that you wanted to shake this language until i fell out  
until my fingers on a keyboard sound like broken beer bottles  
 
you resonated emptiness like the unholy awakening of church bells  
you needed to grind against something whole  
and i became a canker sore you could not stop tonguing  
but it didn't take long for your palm to find the hollow of my bones  
or you to became the red pill i swallowed when i forgot how to breathe  
and spun in burning hoops until i forgot that anything else could be beautiful