A Message To Her Lover

I understand that what I did was wrong. I was mad, lonely, and terribly depressed. I'm awful at keeping relationships, I warned you about this. The distance is not something I can bear, so I sought replacement. What I found is that nothing can replace you. Because of my past experiences with my father and two spiteful rapists, my therapists blames my inability to stand up for myself and say no to anyone for anything. I have no self confidence and you were the only one that made me feel even slightly wanted, but now you're gone. And it's at huge possibility that you could be gone forever. Taken from me. My mom and everyone around me treat me like shit because I choose you. I cry every night because I don't know what to do and I miss you. You're my everything and I'll ALWAYS love you. I hope you can see past my mistakes and we can help each other recover from this. If things will never be the same, I understand. They were never going to be the same again and I just made it that much worse. If you can't handle me and all my shit problems, I'm sorry and I'm not holding you back from leaving. Just know that you're the best thing that every happened to me. The only one that got me to change my ways, the only one who got me to feel something. I'm sorry I slipped up. I had a feeling this was going to happen, I'm not as strong as you. I don't deserve what you bring to the table. I'm not saying this as an ultimatum but if you do leave, I can't guarantee that I'll be safe. I won't have hope for a future anymore. You are my future. You are all I have. I need you by my side, to keep me sane, keep me grounded. I know I can help you too. This is not your fault, I made the mistake. Sure, I was under the wrong impression, but that's not your fault either. I'm not pushing you away. I want you to be happy and is happiness really and option with me? You have so much to offer this world and I don't want to hold you back with all my insecurities and imperfections. Because you're perfect in my eyes. You make everyone around you happy and that's such an amazing talent. God, I wish I could have you back. I wish I didn't do that. I wish things were different. But they aren't and I fucked up… So, there ball's in your court now. Take it or leave it. But just know that I'm trying my hardest to change my ways and deal with the parts of my past that still affect me. And I'm sorry if those parts have affected you too. I love you unconditionally BabyBoy. Please, really think about you decision and how much you mean to me. There's so much more I want to say, but I can't find the words through my tears.. I'm sorry. I love you.