deepundergroundpoetry.com
i do love you
i love you
but you make me cry
you never home
when will you stay bye my side
look into my eyes
do u see my pain
i live in sorrow
until i hear you say
i love you
il be okay
but your never home
your always gone
i just want to crawl into my bed
cry myself to sleep
why do u do this to me
were we ment to be
im alone
at home
looking at the phone
i feel stupid to wait for you.
but you make me cry
you never home
when will you stay bye my side
look into my eyes
do u see my pain
i live in sorrow
until i hear you say
i love you
il be okay
but your never home
your always gone
i just want to crawl into my bed
cry myself to sleep
why do u do this to me
were we ment to be
im alone
at home
looking at the phone
i feel stupid to wait for you.
Published 13th Feb 2011
| Edited 20th Feb 2011
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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The author encourages honest critique.
13th Feb 2011 11:42am
YOU'RE... you are! MEANT. IM has this ---> ' in between the two letters.
This can only be described as cheap writing, the sentiment is a temporary one that comes with a few years, and comes easily. It screams pathetic cliche. And seems like a plea for self-pity. The 'Harder Side' of poetry... Find word play, metaphore, enlighten the reader. Don't push for the sympathy vote and hope that some floppy haired teenagers are going to tell you how much emotion you show!
This can only be described as cheap writing, the sentiment is a temporary one that comes with a few years, and comes easily. It screams pathetic cliche. And seems like a plea for self-pity. The 'Harder Side' of poetry... Find word play, metaphore, enlighten the reader. Don't push for the sympathy vote and hope that some floppy haired teenagers are going to tell you how much emotion you show!
15th Feb 2011 9:30pm
I think you're looking at this wrong. I don't think he was trying to mock you, he was just being honest... Just because you're 13 doesn't mean you should be coddled, it actually means you're old enough to learn effective writing.
1. You should fix your typos (bye -> by, your -> you're) and txtspeak (il -> i'll, u -> you), they really pull a reader out of the piece. The goal is to make the reader feel what you're feeling and forget they're reading a screen, not (in this case) laying in bed worrying about their boyfriend.
2. Your piece was sort of bland, it could use some sprucing up. Vivid adjectives and interesting metaphors make for good imagery, and build the mood around the story or scene. It's the simplest and quickest way to add color and emotion to an otherwise beige piece of writing.
3. Perhaps some punctuation is in order. I'm not saying add something to every line, just where different thoughts begin and end... No punctuation leads to one big run-on mishmosh of words that actually gets tiresome to read, another thing that pulls the reader out of the mood.
4. If you don't want constructive feedback (definition: comments that point out what is wrong in the attempt to help you fix it in the future), you shouldn't click the box that says you're looking for "honest feedback and critique." However, if you want to get better, you have to learn that knowing your weaknesses is the best way to get stronger. Hope this helps.
1. You should fix your typos (bye -> by, your -> you're) and txtspeak (il -> i'll, u -> you), they really pull a reader out of the piece. The goal is to make the reader feel what you're feeling and forget they're reading a screen, not (in this case) laying in bed worrying about their boyfriend.
2. Your piece was sort of bland, it could use some sprucing up. Vivid adjectives and interesting metaphors make for good imagery, and build the mood around the story or scene. It's the simplest and quickest way to add color and emotion to an otherwise beige piece of writing.
3. Perhaps some punctuation is in order. I'm not saying add something to every line, just where different thoughts begin and end... No punctuation leads to one big run-on mishmosh of words that actually gets tiresome to read, another thing that pulls the reader out of the mood.
4. If you don't want constructive feedback (definition: comments that point out what is wrong in the attempt to help you fix it in the future), you shouldn't click the box that says you're looking for "honest feedback and critique." However, if you want to get better, you have to learn that knowing your weaknesses is the best way to get stronger. Hope this helps.
17th Feb 2011 5:15am
I agree with mike. U should fix ur typos, lol I'm guilty of that too. O and stop cussing q:
Anonymous
17th Feb 2011 5:30am
It's best to start writing young (I know this) and then build up by the critiques and experience around you.
Everyone has potential, but whether they choose to accept help and advice, plays a part in their progress as a writer/poet/etc. Pretty much everything works around this idea.
I know I'm still young, as are you, and I've grown 10000% since when I first joined this, but only because I took what others gave me, perceived it as helpful advice (though it may seem demeaning), and used it on my next piece.
Just a helpful word of advice for you. But this is more general.
As for advice on this poem, Mike laid it out for you.
:]
Everyone has potential, but whether they choose to accept help and advice, plays a part in their progress as a writer/poet/etc. Pretty much everything works around this idea.
I know I'm still young, as are you, and I've grown 10000% since when I first joined this, but only because I took what others gave me, perceived it as helpful advice (though it may seem demeaning), and used it on my next piece.
Just a helpful word of advice for you. But this is more general.
As for advice on this poem, Mike laid it out for you.
:]
Well, what a shame your man is making you feel like this, let alone wait like this! It's a very sad write & certainly, the words convey that of a lost spirit who's isolated.
