clouds

Heavy are my clouds today
Barring down with all the weight of my pain in tears and days
The elongated time that leaves me an infested rotting swamp
Is only stirred by worse things
And today it was greatly stirred
A catharsis of sort
But wisdom did come
Excepting a rock is to heavy to move by yourself can be dreadful
But when the rock is the one in your heart preventing healing
It becomes unbearable to ask for help
Adding that this rock has personal secrets written all over it
Has become what any man would never tell
But there's a point when the pain of constantly living in a soul ridden with wounds
Is far worse than any consequence of opening up
Time is needed to see the whole but I have
I am trapped by a cloud that is my past all the wrongs done
Forced to crawl to only be weighed down until I can't
And after so long I saw I am at a crossroad
I can kill myself or I can do something with my youth
Because half drowning on by isn't cutting it
And what is so heavy a weight you ask
The past the heaviest thing known to man it shapes all
And mine is riddled with open wounds that never heal over
Mostly I saw that tala was the one who hurt most
Recently bad things have happened
And through it i realized that girl from all those years ago
Is the girl I loved the only person I ever have loved
And not a love of marriage but one of friendship
She was the only person that ever cared
Who pushed me to do better for myself
Who made me do right
Who gave me her time
Even now I cry every time even if its just a tear
Because I have nothing
Not one thing like that
Now I have no one that cares of me
Not even a person to talk to
And I see now that the people you keep are the greatest wealth
I am smart, handsome, strong
But I can't drive myself to get up half the time
So much has gone wrong it blinds me to good
And I have had little good among people in my life
I have been chewed up and spit out or at least taken the short stick
At 18 I wanted so much more
But I hope
Through it all I have learned so much
I have this romantic idea that there is light beyond the clouds
There is joy for me some real life worth living
I am now stripped of almost everything
So far from perfect
But with being chew up so many times comes the ability to stand
I can stand in the face of anybody for what I believe
Because there is no social class lower than me
From being without a girl for so long
I can look far beyond lust
And see the true importance of trust care and companionship
Through all the hate I can see how helpless it is to achieve any good outcome
How it only breeds and destroys everything we hold dear
I can see how hollow objects are
How they mean little when there's no company to enjoy them with
And I can see how empty a heart is without love
I truly think this happens because I am meant for more
I am intended to become a good man a wise man a moral man
just now I hope
Now might be the time for the cold to recede and I can build over the ruble
This time not to look for lust, fame, money, power
But wealth
Knowledge, a honest and pure life, and mostly love
However I do need some friends
Maybe a girl something constructive

I wrote this to inspire someone
Maybe someone reading this needs to see it
Maybe you can learn from my life
It's taken me years to learn this I just hope I can spare Someone the suffering
Its hard to learn on your own