deepundergroundpoetry.com
FLEETING
On Monday I didn't go to school
because you wanted to take me out instead
We walked around the park downtown all afternoon
We perched ourselves in the gazebo
immersing ourselves in each other's thoughts
and wading in traded words.
And my attention was shattered when a
lady bug landed on my knee. I was baffled-
I exclaimed that it's orange. You laughed and I
coaxed it onto my finger. And you told me
"Some of them are green you know"
I didn't know. I said "maybe those ones just aren't ripe yet"
I played with the bug for a few more seconds
until I felt your gaze, and I lifted my emerald greens
to your cup-of-coffee mahognies. You were looking at me
the way I imagined Gatsby must have looked at Daisy.
And you smiled a little too wide
for the stupid thing I had just said. You touched my chin
and kissed me gently, and i could feel your lips
still frozen in a loving grin.
But when I had looked back down my coveted orange lady bug
had flown away-
and left no trace that he ever came.
because you wanted to take me out instead
We walked around the park downtown all afternoon
We perched ourselves in the gazebo
immersing ourselves in each other's thoughts
and wading in traded words.
And my attention was shattered when a
lady bug landed on my knee. I was baffled-
I exclaimed that it's orange. You laughed and I
coaxed it onto my finger. And you told me
"Some of them are green you know"
I didn't know. I said "maybe those ones just aren't ripe yet"
I played with the bug for a few more seconds
until I felt your gaze, and I lifted my emerald greens
to your cup-of-coffee mahognies. You were looking at me
the way I imagined Gatsby must have looked at Daisy.
And you smiled a little too wide
for the stupid thing I had just said. You touched my chin
and kissed me gently, and i could feel your lips
still frozen in a loving grin.
But when I had looked back down my coveted orange lady bug
had flown away-
and left no trace that he ever came.
Published 6th Jan 2014
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6th Jan 2014 7:40pm
Wow.....I could see this scene unfold before my eyes. Wonderful details, vividly inked...
This was great, rose!
Enjoyed...Xo
This was great, rose!
Enjoyed...Xo
8th Jan 2014 2:31am
7th Jan 2014 7:04am
your poem is very pretty & conducive to surreal ponderings: we grasp for something as large as love when the tiniest things evade us...
8th Jan 2014 2:33am
7th Jan 2014 12:51pm
8th Jan 2014 1:27pm
The flow was a bit awkward, but the play still unfolded in front of my eyes, like any real experience would. I can't say I liked this work in particular, but I didn't hate it at least.
8th Jan 2014 1:30pm
Thanks for the honest criticism! It is hard to find that on this site. xx
The flow is awkward indeed, probably because i originally wrote it in prose, and just organized it into verse :p xx
The flow is awkward indeed, probably because i originally wrote it in prose, and just organized it into verse :p xx
