Diary Entry June 2008

If left the choice to be successful in all pursuits, or give it up for love, what would I choose?
Oh, but I know what I would choose. For how would I know what I'm missing if I've never had it? I wish I could say I've been in love. That I've been hurt, my heart bruised by some insensitive man, but I can't I wish I had stories to tell my friends, or good advise to give, but I don't.  Maybe I was never meant for love. Maybe I'm the only person who thinks it isn't real. Love is not all I want. I want arms to hold me close. 
A man, a man, a man, a man, oh how I want to feel a man all over my body. If love doesn't exist, I know sex does! I dream at night of a man who does not exist...fullfilling my fantasies and leaving me with a smile in the morning.
A man who knows just what I want. I am the most lustful virgin in the world! Sometimes I see someone and immediately fantasize him pushing me against a wall and fucking me right then and there. Fast and hard with his hands cupped underneath my ass, pulling me closer. Oh god how I wish someone could just fuck my brains out right now! 
Is it normal for a woman to think about sex as much as I do? I think about it before bed, in the shower, driving in my car (especially there), daydreaming about it at work, etc..etc...I think I need to write about these. Maybe if I do that I could somehow transfer these thoughts to the papaer and miraculously transfer into my life as reality. Doubtful. But I've got to share my imagination somehow. The paper doesn't judge me. My pen doesn't mock me. Here I don't have to shy away from my dreams. In this secret world I can share my fantasies without shame.