Lost and hopeless

As I sit here feeling hopeless and lost sometimes wishing somebody would blow me up like when a grenade is tossed having dreams of dying hoping that when I die someone other than my family will be crying by my side but I know that I will always be alone getting stoned hoping one day that someone will blast me with their chrome with my brains all over the floor like a pimp does to his ugliest whore wondering what to live life for with these emotions I turned evil to the core watching cartel videos but I still want more hoping i'll see real life gore like a butcher in a meat store hearing demons screaming for more I try to ignore but i'm a lost cause like a bitch trying to get pregnant with menopause so when I die i'll go straight to hell but this is where I deserve to dwell so all I have left to say is fair well