I try to be Happy circa 2006

I try to be happy 
I do 
I go to practice
I play games, make stupid jokes
I’m not
I can’t stop thinking
It will never stop
Never leave me alone
I don’t blame anyone
There are no pills for this pain
I can find no cure
When I smile I want to scream
Why does everyone keep walking around 
Don’t they know how I feel?
They know nothing
I say nothing 
Nothing to my friends
It hurts too much to speak
My throat swells up
Every time I breathe in for air,
It’s not enough
Every night I drown my pillow
In tears 
My suffering will not end
I need to say something
I can’t live like this
I have to let it out!
It’s killing me!
She’s dead
She’s dead—understand?
She’s dead, she
Is DEAD
I just kept on living
I hate myself
It has been a year 
I thought it would get better with time—
It hasn’t.