deepundergroundpoetry.com
Fifteen
(one… two…)
Her fingers thicken in haste,
slip in soft clinks back with rapid
breaths and swallowed tears.
(eight… nine…)
The wild-eyed mirror evades
her pleas, so she begs the tiles
for cool comfort. She flushes away
(twelve… thirteen…)
her hopes. The welts on her arm throb,
wakening the ember-glow burn of memories.
Her heart murmurs with freshly cut lips.
(fourteen… fifteen…)
She winces against the swelling
majesty of purple, green and blue.
The medicine cabinet whispers to her.
(fifteen… fifteen… fifteen…)
The flip-top bottle holds the same
fifteen…
capsules, cotton choking the neck.
She sucks in little sips of rib-cracking
air. His medication remains untouched.
This is FICTION. Save the concern for those who live this daily.
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 13
reading list entries 3
comments 28
reads 1011
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Re: Fifteen
27th Nov 2013 9:35pm
fiction....none the less, you can feel the intensity of the situation!!! Well Done!!
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re: Re: Fifteen
28th Nov 2013 12:14pm
Re: Fifteen
Anonymous
27th Nov 2013 9:36pm
sew tru & graphick atakick
rM
rM
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re: Re: Fifteen
28th Nov 2013 12:15pm
Re: Fifteen
27th Nov 2013 9:55pm
powerful message and all too true in a lot of cases.. masterful inking Atakti.. peace Crim
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re: Re: Fifteen
28th Nov 2013 12:15pm
Re: Fifteen
Anonymous
28th Nov 2013 1:51am
Painfully an eloquently written. Damn, girl... you bring it to life.
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re: Re: Fifteen
28th Nov 2013 12:16pm
Re: Fifteen
28th Nov 2013 7:18am
Impressive Atakti. You too are delicate to detail. A refined piece if writing, well done.
May I suggest finding a replacement for the word 'clunking' in my humble opinion it doesn't fit.
May I suggest finding a replacement for the word 'clunking' in my humble opinion it doesn't fit.
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re: Re: Fifteen
28th Nov 2013 12:17pm
Yeah, that was a 'holding' word, never went back to fix it!
Suggestions?
Thank you, Tacete!
Suggestions?
Thank you, Tacete!
Re: Fifteen
28th Nov 2013 7:24am
re: Re: Fifteen
28th Nov 2013 12:17pm
Re: Fifteen
You're a fucking genius!!! The scene is so intense, clinical and desperate... I was hanging on wondering where you were taking the reader. Beautifully written.
I know the sound you want with the weight of the pills "clunking", but just maybe, Tacete, is on to it...
Her fingers thicken in haste,
popping soft clunks back with rapid
breaths and swallowed tears.
...but I think it still works and doesn't interrupt the flow too much. Awesome work, Atakti!
I know the sound you want with the weight of the pills "clunking", but just maybe, Tacete, is on to it...
Her fingers thicken in haste,
popping soft clunks back with rapid
breaths and swallowed tears.
...but I think it still works and doesn't interrupt the flow too much. Awesome work, Atakti!
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re: Re: Fifteen
28th Nov 2013 12:26pm
Well, you guys figured what I was trying to describe, so at least half way there!
Thanks for the suggestion, I'm going to have a look and re-work it...
I really appreciate the feedback, Case - your comments are always so encouraging. Cheers!
Thanks for the suggestion, I'm going to have a look and re-work it...
I really appreciate the feedback, Case - your comments are always so encouraging. Cheers!
Re: Fifteen
28th Nov 2013 12:55pm
Damn lady, it may be YOUR fiction but it's no doubt
someone's fact, n I must say... It felt like the real deal!
Clearly the mark of a GIFTED writer reeks
all over this piece :)
someone's fact, n I must say... It felt like the real deal!
Clearly the mark of a GIFTED writer reeks
all over this piece :)
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re: Re: Fifteen
28th Nov 2013 7:05pm
Poetikmind :)
It's lovely getting feedback from you, thank you for the "gifted" comment...
It's lovely getting feedback from you, thank you for the "gifted" comment...
Re: Fifteen
29th Nov 2013 6:23am
good to see she didn't succumb to the obvious fatal choice. she'll find a safer way out...
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re: Re: Fifteen
70% of domestic abuse murders happen AFTER the woman decides to leave, when the abuser has nothing left to lose. Getting out is very very dangerous, and part of the reason many women stay in these situations.
Just one hair-raising statistic out of so many...
Just one hair-raising statistic out of so many...
Re: Fifteen
29th Nov 2013 11:48pm
Dark art Atakti,,,this was like holding ones breath-truly a emotive Write-Quite Masterful!!!
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re: Re: Fifteen
1st Dec 2013 6:37am
Re: Fifteen
Anonymous
30th Nov 2013 9:36am
A great write,Atakti!!! abstract but compact too!
this makes me think of people who have compulsive thoughts, that they have to count all the steps of the stairs or how many steps it is to reach the door.....You never seize to surprise!!!
this makes me think of people who have compulsive thoughts, that they have to count all the steps of the stairs or how many steps it is to reach the door.....You never seize to surprise!!!
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re: Re: Fifteen
1st Dec 2013 6:39am
Wow, Mourganna, thanks for the enthusiasm!
The counting added an effect I like...
The counting added an effect I like...
Re: Fifteen
2nd Dec 2013 2:15am
I've read this a lot since you wrote and have been trying to think of what I can say to describe the range of emotions it makes me feel. I've decided give up, and just tell you that one sentence from this pulls at me so much 'she begs the tiles' it's perfect, and the whole thing is fresh and original.
Me likey long time
Me likey long time
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re: Re: Fifteen
2nd Dec 2013 6:04am
Re: Fifteen
Anonymous
6th Dec 2013 3:28am
I read this in a comp you posted and I have to say I was immediately drawn to it. You say so little and yet it conveys so much, such a powerful write Atakti.
I"m truly impressed!!
I"m truly impressed!!
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re: Re: Fifteen
6th Dec 2013 6:53am
Thank you, Vee! There is a grain of fear in each of us, and those we trust either help quiet it, or add layers to it (and so the dark pearl grows) by breaking promises, or worse. This is just one example of ruptured trust between two people.
Re: Fifteen
8th Dec 2013 6:02pm
You definately go neck deep into the detail and slow seconds that pain makes pass...I like that alot..this was amazing...
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re: Re: Fifteen
19th Dec 2013 5:51am