deepundergroundpoetry.com
Miss You </3 !!!
So here comes the winter flow
those chilly nights & ice floe
Swagging thoughts of you and me
For how we were never meant to be.
A pearl rolling down the face
smile exaggerating the normal pace
Sapped & drained of all the vibes
In loving you, I wish I had been wise.
When you were here to hold my hand
I was content, nothing more to demand
Crisp and sassy like spirited couples
but lost the charm and poked the troubles.
Can't you feel the feel I feel ?
Can't you come repair my zeal ?
Why cant you love me the same fiery way
When I have been missing you all night and day !!
those chilly nights & ice floe
Swagging thoughts of you and me
For how we were never meant to be.
A pearl rolling down the face
smile exaggerating the normal pace
Sapped & drained of all the vibes
In loving you, I wish I had been wise.
When you were here to hold my hand
I was content, nothing more to demand
Crisp and sassy like spirited couples
but lost the charm and poked the troubles.
Can't you feel the feel I feel ?
Can't you come repair my zeal ?
Why cant you love me the same fiery way
When I have been missing you all night and day !!
Published 25th Nov 2013
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comments 20
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The author is looking for friendly feedback.
nice poem B!
a few things you could tweak,
"Ready fingers for the constant crticize"
this is out of flow... and the sentence is grammatically wrong. it could be 'fingers ready to constantly critique' or something better with simpler language that emphasizes what you're going for.
"Now reality check proves us uncouple"
that is just wrong lol
uncouple is a 'verb' you have used it as an adjective. if you could rewrite this line the 3rd stanza would be more fuller.
and the last stanza,
first line needs a 'what'
second line needs to get rid of 'to'
in the last line "night and day" would sound better along with a contraction of 'I have'.
this could have been done really well but it seems like you wrote it hastily :P
always recheck B :)
a few things you could tweak,
"Ready fingers for the constant crticize"
this is out of flow... and the sentence is grammatically wrong. it could be 'fingers ready to constantly critique' or something better with simpler language that emphasizes what you're going for.
"Now reality check proves us uncouple"
that is just wrong lol
uncouple is a 'verb' you have used it as an adjective. if you could rewrite this line the 3rd stanza would be more fuller.
and the last stanza,
first line needs a 'what'
second line needs to get rid of 'to'
in the last line "night and day" would sound better along with a contraction of 'I have'.
this could have been done really well but it seems like you wrote it hastily :P
always recheck B :)
25th Nov 2013 3:11pm
Thank you so much Dennis for giving an honest feedback and helping me improve on the grammatical errors! I appreciate and Will keep these in mind. :)
25th Nov 2013 5:21pm
Glad a native speaker gave you
the advice :-). Your poem improved
a lot! Heartfelt write, BArinda!
the advice :-). Your poem improved
a lot! Heartfelt write, BArinda!
re: Re: Miss You
26th Nov 2013 4:37am
25th Nov 2013 6:34pm
re: Re: Miss You
26th Nov 2013 4:37am
Anonymous
26th Nov 2013 1:12am
What a heart warming write from the cold. Enjoyed this much! :)
re: Re: Miss You
26th Nov 2013 4:38am
26th Nov 2013 8:23am
Sadly looks as if you are well equipped to teach a course in dealing with a broken heart, Hopefully with the tears of heart break somewhere a flower will grow.
re: Re: Miss You
26th Nov 2013 8:35am
3rd Dec 2013 9:29am
3rd Dec 2013 10:03am
8th Dec 2013 6:54am
This is marvellous just like your all other works,
a very evocative write indeed, loved reading it.
a very evocative write indeed, loved reading it.
re: Re: Miss You
9th Dec 2013 5:03am
10th Dec 2013 12:44pm
After long long walk on d snow bed suddenly listen ur whispering …d horse stooped d light got last few drop oil to glow…nd words ask to read agin before d night demises…
re: Re: Miss You
11th Dec 2013 9:27am
1st Jan 2014 7:39pm
2nd Jan 2014 6:57am
15th Jan 2014 2:13pm
For your information,Jaito is your favourate reader,one thing about you is that you make one think and you then transform him to another being,so special
16th Jan 2014 4:47am
