deepundergroundpoetry.com
Silence
Up all night tossing and turning
getting a hold of myself
All i see is you, only and your sad, sad lonely face
I have loved you in silence
And that's the way it should stay
It hurts inside it's like I'm losing my mind
I need to turn my back on you
But its killing me to even try
I have always loved you in silence
and its tearing me apart
There's nothing that i can do
but to pretend that it's alright... inside
How can you be so damn charming
with those sad dark eyes? Now it's twice as hard for me
to move on and get you outta my life
It hurts inside it's like I'm losing my mind
I need to turn my back on you
But its killing me to even try
I have always loved you in silence
and its tearing me apart
There's nothing that i can do
but to pretend that it's alright... inside
getting a hold of myself
All i see is you, only and your sad, sad lonely face
I have loved you in silence
And that's the way it should stay
It hurts inside it's like I'm losing my mind
I need to turn my back on you
But its killing me to even try
I have always loved you in silence
and its tearing me apart
There's nothing that i can do
but to pretend that it's alright... inside
How can you be so damn charming
with those sad dark eyes? Now it's twice as hard for me
to move on and get you outta my life
It hurts inside it's like I'm losing my mind
I need to turn my back on you
But its killing me to even try
I have always loved you in silence
and its tearing me apart
There's nothing that i can do
but to pretend that it's alright... inside
Published 29th Jan 2011
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Dear Rowan,
I liked this write, but I struggled with the lack of structure a little.
The opening verse is fine, leading to a bridge?...then the chorus? The next line:
"How can you be so damn charming"...I assume is the second verse but does not mirror the same length, lines or syllable count as first verse (unless this is done on purpose). Have you written music to this one?
I have a suggestion to this line to give it a hook:
"It hurts inside it's like I'm losing my mind
I need to turn my back on you
But its killing me to even try"
Suggestion:
"I need to turn my back on you
But it hurts so bad inside
It's killing me to even try
It's like I'm finally losing my mind"
This is just a suggestion. Happy to break this down more if you wish me to.
"All i see is you, only and your sad, sad lonely face" - this doesn't quite make sense, so might need a slight tweak there.
Good imagery and flow, just needs a small structure change.
kind regards,
Hooded
I liked this write, but I struggled with the lack of structure a little.
The opening verse is fine, leading to a bridge?...then the chorus? The next line:
"How can you be so damn charming"...I assume is the second verse but does not mirror the same length, lines or syllable count as first verse (unless this is done on purpose). Have you written music to this one?
I have a suggestion to this line to give it a hook:
"It hurts inside it's like I'm losing my mind
I need to turn my back on you
But its killing me to even try"
Suggestion:
"I need to turn my back on you
But it hurts so bad inside
It's killing me to even try
It's like I'm finally losing my mind"
This is just a suggestion. Happy to break this down more if you wish me to.
"All i see is you, only and your sad, sad lonely face" - this doesn't quite make sense, so might need a slight tweak there.
Good imagery and flow, just needs a small structure change.
kind regards,
Hooded
3rd Feb 2011 10:18pm
i have the music.. though its not yet finished..
send me your suggestions. :) thanks for the advise. :)
send me your suggestions. :) thanks for the advise. :)
