deepundergroundpoetry.com
Mr. Currie
A living made by service-
tools of warmth
his island wares,
he swings
bags of pebbled ancience,
[even at his age]
keeping his body fit
his arms and chest
hard, defined;
his face is kind
and handsome
in a common way.
His hands are scuffed
with honest work
and as I pay
the money owed,
exchanging pleasantries
as we do,
I swallow a twinge of guilt
for though
my hands
are fairly rough from cold,
I've never done a day
as long as he.
tools of warmth
his island wares,
he swings
bags of pebbled ancience,
[even at his age]
keeping his body fit
his arms and chest
hard, defined;
his face is kind
and handsome
in a common way.
His hands are scuffed
with honest work
and as I pay
the money owed,
exchanging pleasantries
as we do,
I swallow a twinge of guilt
for though
my hands
are fairly rough from cold,
I've never done a day
as long as he.
Published 28th Jan 2011
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Anonymous
28th Jan 2011 10:13pm
because honest work brings its own rewards and I'm sure Mr Currie sleeps easy at night.
And - so should you after constructing this piece. Its put together well, balanced and flows nicely - especially into the movement into the second verse with the 'pay / way' and 'pleasantry / he' rhymes.
Gave me images of your interaction on the doorstep..I extrapolated a story in my head from those images and then suddenly thought that your poem had created that flow in my head...
Good work.
Steven
PS, I would have put a comma or a dash /hyphen after the first line and perhaps a tad more punctuation here and there to signal to the reader pauses where appropriate. But hell, what do I know.
And - so should you after constructing this piece. Its put together well, balanced and flows nicely - especially into the movement into the second verse with the 'pay / way' and 'pleasantry / he' rhymes.
Gave me images of your interaction on the doorstep..I extrapolated a story in my head from those images and then suddenly thought that your poem had created that flow in my head...
Good work.
Steven
PS, I would have put a comma or a dash /hyphen after the first line and perhaps a tad more punctuation here and there to signal to the reader pauses where appropriate. But hell, what do I know.
aha, thank you! just the ticket(s). [:
i've had this little guy sitting around in my notebook for a while so i thought i'd hang it out finally.
i'll try not to feel too bad for him. [:
i've had this little guy sitting around in my notebook for a while so i thought i'd hang it out finally.
i'll try not to feel too bad for him. [:
28th Jan 2011 11:55pm
well done madame. A captured essence is what more poetry needs. After the tosh I've just trolled through (apart from the fine works of the other commenter) This is a fine and dandy piece
29th Jan 2011 9:16am
wow, thank you, Jamie. i'm always afraid to have you comment on my writes! glad you found it somewhat substantial. [:
29th Jan 2011 00:02am
Jestalessa, you acquired the innocence of caring, there was no ignorance you noticed everything and your imagery was spot on. Well done Miss :)
Favourite piece: 'his face is kind
and handsome
in a common way.'
It made me smile because with the other things to notice you pay him a half compliment and I thought that was clever. It makes me want to know eye-colour, hair-colour etc. :)
Favourite piece: 'his face is kind
and handsome
in a common way.'
It made me smile because with the other things to notice you pay him a half compliment and I thought that was clever. It makes me want to know eye-colour, hair-colour etc. :)
29th Jan 2011 9:22am
thank you so much! i wasn't sure if i should be paying compliments, but i decided to just let the pen do what the pen's gonna do, and hey, it was right. [:
29th Jan 2011 3:30pm
feels like meeting Mr. Curie face to face...
Well done doll, you definitely captured his essence in this piece!
Well done doll, you definitely captured his essence in this piece!
29th Jan 2011 3:52pm
right. now i have to look up Jackie Collins. and! goings on are not always flattering! but thank you for commenting. [:
