deepundergroundpoetry.com
The First Thing
I could never
win because you
took your stand,
would not give it
up, you with such
little hands.
You had this thought
of me which told me
how I ought to be:
now you are at my door
almost crawling on my floor
you asking for the days
before: want to come in?
win because you
took your stand,
would not give it
up, you with such
little hands.
You had this thought
of me which told me
how I ought to be:
now you are at my door
almost crawling on my floor
you asking for the days
before: want to come in?
Published 20th Nov 2013
| Edited 21st Nov 2013
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
21st Nov 2013 6:43am
I only say the following things because you are asking for honest critique. This is just honest opinion and of course, you don't have to listen to any of it:
The last four lines are very confused. "Now look at my door crawling on the floor" makes it sound as if it is the door that's crawling on the floor, as there is no reference to a direct person. There's a mention of a "you" however, this also crosses back to the first person in several places. The separate lines at the end also add nothing to the piece, in terms of structure, it may be better to group these things together.
Besides all that, I can tell that this piece is probably personal to you, and I can see that on a plus point, you have tried to communicate with the reader on an emotional level. This is a good attribute of the piece.
Thank you for the read.
The last four lines are very confused. "Now look at my door crawling on the floor" makes it sound as if it is the door that's crawling on the floor, as there is no reference to a direct person. There's a mention of a "you" however, this also crosses back to the first person in several places. The separate lines at the end also add nothing to the piece, in terms of structure, it may be better to group these things together.
Besides all that, I can tell that this piece is probably personal to you, and I can see that on a plus point, you have tried to communicate with the reader on an emotional level. This is a good attribute of the piece.
Thank you for the read.
21st Nov 2013 1:14pm
