deepundergroundpoetry.com
Good Night
As day becomes night
The stars begin to shine
To kiss the end of the day
Don't be too quick to
Close your eyes
And let slumber take you away.
Go gaze upon the evening sky
As sunlight fades to gray
And the earths covered in a blanket
Of darkness studded by light
That makes it almost impossible
To want to say "Good Night."
The stars begin to shine
To kiss the end of the day
Don't be too quick to
Close your eyes
And let slumber take you away.
Go gaze upon the evening sky
As sunlight fades to gray
And the earths covered in a blanket
Of darkness studded by light
That makes it almost impossible
To want to say "Good Night."
Published 8th Nov 2013
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 7
reading list entries 1
comments 12
reads 1208
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
8th Nov 2013 6:18pm
Great ink sweets!!
Something too whisper in a loved ones ear!
Very well penned!!
Sir Lancelott
Something too whisper in a loved ones ear!
Very well penned!!
Sir Lancelott
10th Nov 2013 00:00am
Thank you Lance!! :) definitely something to whisper in a loved ones ear...I love that idea!!
8th Nov 2013 6:28pm
10th Nov 2013 00:01am
8th Nov 2013 10:27pm
10th Nov 2013 00:02am
9th Nov 2013 9:32pm
So wonderful and filled with thoughts beyond...I've re-enacted this poem litterally...makes me want to live forever...amazing write :-)
10th Nov 2013 00:03am
I have re-enacted this as well, as often as possible...Thank You So Much BlaccZacc!! :)
12th Nov 2013 1:04am
12th Nov 2013 1:32am
12th Nov 2013 2:53pm
jemac
It is, as mentioned above, soft and warm. The idea behind it is nice. 'take in the beauty of the night sky'. I must agree, it's pretty awesome at times.
I have one or two suggestions, based on my own preference while writing so don't take them too much to heart.
when day becomes night
stars begin to shimmer
then kiss the sunset softly
so don't be too quick
to close your eyes
and let slumber take you away.
'as', personally I think that 'as' should be banned from the language or at least only allowed once in a blue moon. it's probably just me but I think in most cases it sounds/ or reads contrived .
stars shine, it's what they do, the trick (I think)is to try give an image of the stars shining using different words, I used shimmering but there's a whole load of others you could try. kind of the same with 'the kiss the end of the day' I used "then kiss the sunset softly" it's mostly for an image but it gives you the option of not repeating 'day' too often too
Go, gaze upon the evening sky
when sunlight fades to reds and pinks
and the earth's
covered in a blanket Of darkness
studded by light
(here would be a nice place to stick a simile)
making it almost impossible
to want to say "Good Night.
just one or two suggestions for this stanza,
'sunlight fades to grey' I changed grey to reds and pinks, it's a little more colorful and keeping with the awesomeness of the night sky.
one or two word changes to help with the flow.
don't get me wrong, what you've written is not bad at all, it's pretty good. just figured I'd throw my two cents in.
good stuff, shine on
It is, as mentioned above, soft and warm. The idea behind it is nice. 'take in the beauty of the night sky'. I must agree, it's pretty awesome at times.
I have one or two suggestions, based on my own preference while writing so don't take them too much to heart.
when day becomes night
stars begin to shimmer
then kiss the sunset softly
so don't be too quick
to close your eyes
and let slumber take you away.
'as', personally I think that 'as' should be banned from the language or at least only allowed once in a blue moon. it's probably just me but I think in most cases it sounds/ or reads contrived .
stars shine, it's what they do, the trick (I think)is to try give an image of the stars shining using different words, I used shimmering but there's a whole load of others you could try. kind of the same with 'the kiss the end of the day' I used "then kiss the sunset softly" it's mostly for an image but it gives you the option of not repeating 'day' too often too
Go, gaze upon the evening sky
when sunlight fades to reds and pinks
and the earth's
covered in a blanket Of darkness
studded by light
(here would be a nice place to stick a simile)
making it almost impossible
to want to say "Good Night.
just one or two suggestions for this stanza,
'sunlight fades to grey' I changed grey to reds and pinks, it's a little more colorful and keeping with the awesomeness of the night sky.
one or two word changes to help with the flow.
don't get me wrong, what you've written is not bad at all, it's pretty good. just figured I'd throw my two cents in.
good stuff, shine on
12th Nov 2013 3:12pm
Thank you so much for your thoughtful in-put CraicDealer...much appreciated,
I totally get where you are coming from...thank you for sharing your words and thoughts...gives me much to consider not just here, but in my other work as well...:)
JeJe
I totally get where you are coming from...thank you for sharing your words and thoughts...gives me much to consider not just here, but in my other work as well...:)
JeJe
