deepundergroundpoetry.com
Kneel to rusty hinges and pray for joy
The sirens are coming
with their wailing pleas
don't go in there
don't go in there
leave wasting eyes in lands of empty
with its broken doors
leave them locked and turn away
look to the lights
make your own pleas
those dragging glances will leave a mark
lock them in place
safe from dark maws
don't beg for light
it will come
no need to lock the clicking light to lick the wounds of minds
ease amour into aching flesh until you hear skin sigh
it might drown the breaking blood
and stem the flow of its cry
(Written for the guess your topic competition)
Published 5th Nov 2013
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The author encourages honest critique.
The tools that write about all these literary devices sure do love killing the poetry.
6th Nov 2013 7:19pm
I love your use of imagery. I often have to read over your work a few times, just so I get the full scope of the depth you've layered into the piece. I often come away with a beautiful (often painful) collage of meanings and pictures.
Might I suggest though, maybe a substitute for lock/locked. It pops up multiple times in the piece and in some places takes away from the wonder of the images with its repetition.
This piece is beautifully done and richly invocative.
Might I suggest though, maybe a substitute for lock/locked. It pops up multiple times in the piece and in some places takes away from the wonder of the images with its repetition.
This piece is beautifully done and richly invocative.
6th Nov 2013 9:25pm
Well thank you very much for that critique and compliment sandwhich, I appreciate it :) reading it back, I agree with you. This is the second time unintentional repetition has been pointed out to me, really need to start remembering not to do that. I focused so much on getting the requires literary devices in there I didn't pay enough attention to the rest... The cacophony and euphony is pretty feeble too.
