THE OTHER SIDE OF TENDERNESS (My AIDS Diary) THREE: Is It For Heaven That We Reach?

Our hands are bleeding
with what we have touched
mouths parched with fires tasted
not all the wine that we have wasted
can quench our thirst
we are shackled to this hunger
that will not let us burst
from these nailed but naked coffins

These are crosses we have carried
crude crosses made with our own hands
Your hands nailed me to this cross!

Is it for heaven that we reach
our arms stretched out to fly
our eyes burnt far too dry
to cry?

Carlton’s Diary
Saturday, 12th January 1991

I went with Adrian to see the movie Longtime Companion. Cathy wasn’t interested in seeing a film about homosexuals and AIDS.

I didn't tell him about the tests but after the movie we were sitting over our third drink in the nearest bar and I said, “In five years time, if something bad has happened to me I want you to remember me the way that I am today and treat me just the same.”

In the last scene of the movie the AIDS survivors find themselves, in a dream sequence, on a beach where the ‘victims’ are perfect and alive again. The words are; ‘I want to be around when there’s a cure for this.’ I had the uneasy feeling that they’d all happily and immediately go back to their former lives of promiscuity; the steam baths, the glory holes, the daisy chains and the anonymous sex.

How clever of them to have escaped.

Does this express the way that I might feel if this turns out to be a bad dream; knowing that I’m guilty and knowing that the sentence should be death and that somehow I’ve escaped?

If this is just a nightmare will this personal crisis have the power to change me?

Monday, 14th January 1991

I saw Ross and spoke to him about the confidentiality of the test results and for the moment, he’s taken them off my file. I knew that I wouldn’t be able to face the people and the responsibilities at work so I asked Ross to book me off for a week

I listened to Puccini all afternoon and when Cathy came home I broke down in tears. Through my crying I lied that it was the effect of the antibiotics that I’m taking for my sinus condition.

The medication that I’ve been given is Reactivan, a central nervous system stimulant which puts me on a buzz and Halcion, a sleeping pill, which is wonderful but a bit overpowering combined with pain killers.

Monday, 21st January 1991

I went back to work today and although everyone was pleased to see me and my boss seemed relaxed that I’d been off work for a week with 'severe sinusitis', I was in a state of panic, waiting to phone Denis for the second Eliza test result. I called him six days ago and he told me to phone this afternoon because the test had come back but he’d decided to redo it. What did that mean? I was in turmoil all morning.

When I called after lunch and he confirmed a negative result my mind just froze. What the fuck is going on? I drove to his consulting rooms on the other side of town because I needed to see the certificate.

I bought a six-pack at the bottle store near his rooms and drank two beers on the way home. He advised me not to get my hopes up and said that I needed to wait six weeks before taking another test. It seems that the Eliza test is just not accurate.

SIX WEEKS. I’ll go insane with this uncertainty.

Tuesday, 22nd January 1991

I dreamt of thousands of naked bodies hanging on crosses like a forest of rotting trees stretching endlessly over barren land. I’m walking between these ghastly dead trees and can smell the rotting corpses. I read the inscription on each cross. Paul, 33, died of an AIDS related illness, 06.10.1985. Adrian, 36, died of an AIDS related illness, 07.01.1986. Cathy, 56, died of an AIDS related illness, 18.12.1990. Michael Doe, 27, died of an AIDS related illness, 18.01.1991. Carlton, 37, died of an AIDS related illness, 21.01.1991.

Wednesday, 23rd January 1991

Attended counselling with Helen and managed to highlight some priorities for the time ahead.

Saw Ross and explained that the Reactivan, which is an upper, was causing panic attacks at work. He changed it to Ativan, a Benzodiazepine mood stabilizer.

My body feels like a yoyo.

Friday, 25th January 1991

Read my stars; ‘On the surface it may appear that your hands are tied or that you are finally losing a battle over resources. However, as always in astrology, adverse and challenging aspects only remove the dead wood and pave the way for new beginnings and opportunities.’ Great.

Saturday, 26th January 1991

When I think about this uncertain progression towards death and the events leading up to it I think of it as an invasion, not a death march. It's not a squad of soldiers slowly marching to the grave but armies gathering and preparing themselves to invade. Every day when I turn on the TV and watch the Great Gulf War Show I picture those planes and bombs and scud missiles as tiny invaders in my blood stream; immune system invaders; a video game in which my character has no defence against this onslaught.

I read in the newspaper that a British study has found that the average life expectancy for 'victims' of AIDS doubled between 1984 and 1987; from ten months to twenty months. Whoopee.


(From Part Three of Other Voices, a semi-autobiographical novel of triumph over adversity by Carlton Carr)
(Collage Mixed Media: The day the one night stands just had to stop by Carlton)
© Carlton Carr 2013
http://othervoices.blog.co.uk