Severely Despressed

(note: these are just four of my recent journal entries, that pertain to how I have been feeling lately.)





(10/2/13)
Sitting on bed, I can't fall a sleep, again. I think about the three movie tickets I had won, and gave away. I can't remember the last time I did something enjoyable, when everything became meaningless, before my life became meaningless. Now these days all I want to do is sleep, I can't even get angry now everything brushes off me like dust.

My friends would ask me to chill, I would always say no, and after awhile they just stopped asking, just stop contacting at all and that was fine with me, I guess. Everyday I grab my notebook whenever I'm feeling down I try make a poem out of it..but My mind is just blank.I can't think of beautiful lines or great rhymes to help me express this..feeling this loneliness that burning a hole through my chest..but sadly I'm comfortable with it.

(10/7/13)
Today, I though about killing myself for the first time, and I don't know, I though about cutting my wrist the teenage girl thing to do and I though I would be making too much of a mess..weird,well I still can't float so maybe drowning might work, maybe. A plastic bag might work but I would probably panic halfway in,or maybe a pill just might do the trick,but every scenario that goes through my head sounds painful...god I'm such a pussy.

(10/10/13)
I finally though to myself and maybe I should talk to someone, I wrote a small note left it  near my mom's dresser and I went back to bed, Mom came barging inot my room yelling at me, telling me how Its not my fault that I think of such things, that its the Devil making me think that way and not to worry that we will pray, go to church have the priest bless you and we will sirit proof the house...ugh, my fault for thinking I could
open up to my mom of all people, now half my family on the other side of the world already knows about this 5 hours after me leaving the freaking note...just perfect. 2 hour Skype lecture from my Uncle, Aunts and cousins, yippie di fucking doo.


So I took my last resort...I went to my best friend I told him how my mood had been as of recent and what I wanted to do and
I explained to him what my mother's  and family reaction was and what they "though" would "fix" me. he laughed and told me I was just having my first period...sigh, what are friends for if not making you feel like less of a person.

(10/11/13)
I went to see my school Psychiatrist, who kindly enough listened, but I probably confused her even more my line of though doesn't always make sense all the time, anywho she told me to see a Doctor who could prescribe me some anti-depressant....great now I need pills. It's been about four days now I haven't move forward personally and its seems my family has stopped with their "exorcism" solutions for my depression.

I don't know what to do, I have nobody to talk to but I'm alright with that...this is not a cry or plea for help this is just me unloading my mind, its been heavy for a while, and I feel...okay now I think.