deepundergroundpoetry.com
Killing
Your echo, which
got my attention,
seemed unintentional.
My connection to you
even undoes your consolation:
you are a form of coherence
behind your various, many
voices.
These galaxy of verses,
who is you, we discovered
under a shade-tree. It
is like you killing me
aiming at someone else.
got my attention,
seemed unintentional.
My connection to you
even undoes your consolation:
you are a form of coherence
behind your various, many
voices.
These galaxy of verses,
who is you, we discovered
under a shade-tree. It
is like you killing me
aiming at someone else.
Published 9th Oct 2013
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likes 3
reading list entries 0
comments 4
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
9th Oct 2013 7:45am
I like this piece. It yearns for a lover that won't be had. One critique - your use "various, many" is repetitive ...
There needs to be another adjective in there: many ____
cheshire - narcotic - beguiling (suggestions)
Thanks for sharing
LSP
There needs to be another adjective in there: many ____
cheshire - narcotic - beguiling (suggestions)
Thanks for sharing
LSP
11th Oct 2013 1:54am
Thanks for the comments. I'm going to leave "various" and "many" alone, because it is meant to show repetition. Thanks for the suggestion. In most cases you would be correct.
yes, this is certainly an in depth beautiful piece of yearning..could see colours of disillusionment, if I am not wrong. The galaxy & shade-tree reference show your inclination to metaphysical elements, as always seen in many of your writes..suits the occasion. The last verse...sums up as a short sharp gist of the whole. thanxx fr this read marcella ~Uma.
11th Oct 2013 1:55am
