Her Again

Impulsive
Suspicious
Curious
Annoying
Clingy
Touching;
Always touching!

I know;
I need
Constant reassurance
I speak
Like each day is the end
Like each text could
be the last

The last of us
The last of 2 months
Short and sweet?
I act so uncertain
[hint, hint, because I
am fucking uncertain
of anything these days]

I didn't want you to read
the my thoughts
My insecurities
My doubts
My lowest points
but you asked . . .
am I suppose to say no?
I couldn't just do that
You would have become paranoid
but you took it, you read
the darkest corners of me
and now, you can't separate us
You can't tell
her
and I apart

Her;
Dangerous
Shallow
In pain
and wanting to die
cold and alone
Coming up with any
Excuse to make it happen
She is the one with the
noose and the blade
She is her

I;
Smile
Laugh
Choke her down
Push her deep down
Ignore her, while I live
Something she could never
handle
I want us together
I want us hand in hand
I want to curl up next to
you at the end of each night
for your warmth and love
I am the one with
The smile and the heart to give

You can't tell my angels from my demons
You can't comprehend that what you read
where my absolute lowest points
You can't infer that those where her
thoughts, not mine
You don't understand that she is stronger than I
Sometimes she pops out, like the jack in a box
Read to drag me back in with it
To trap me in the small compact box of darkness
Ready to drown me in the past and the pain

Yes she surfaces, yes I can't always win
But the battles I do, it's because of you
I have something, someone, worth fighting for
But you can't tell the difference

One day she will be at your door, and
YOU will believe every word she says
YOU will let her end us
Unless you figure me out
Unless you realize that we aren't the same person
Unless you realize that she is my past
But even a past . . .
doesn't stay in the past