deepundergroundpoetry.com
Not One Day More
You sick young boy,
I have lived your life, and I know the pain and isolation that you feel because I am you. You think that it is all part of growing up, but still you sense there is something very wrong. There is, and it will get worse. For decades, you will suffer with no hope of becoming well. Years upon years will be spent in therapy; all medications will fail to help you. Your memories will consist of psychiatric hospitals and padded cells. You will be plagued by thoughts of hurting people, killing people and torturing people. Constant worry, even of things that are impossible to happen, will devour you. You will not be able to control your thoughts ever. Terror will rule your existence. You will shake in fear every moment. Afraid of everyone and everything, you are better off dead.
Never will you grow up or be able to function in society. No one will be able to relate to you. You will count and keep count of everything imaginable. When was the last time Easter fell on March 22? The year 1818. How many times has Christmas fallen on a Friday in your lifetime? Six. How many seconds have passed since you were born? 1,460,840,040 and counting. It will never, ever stop. Please make it stop! You will feel the unconquerable urge to remember everything. What date were you last constipated? What was the first song you’ve ever heard? How many times did you urinate 20 years ago today? What did you eat on that day? You must remember. You must remember everything. Shut it off! Shut it off! You can’t.
Employment will be impossible, as your thoughts cannot be trained, and all people will be seen as your enemy. You will be misunderstood and hated by everyone, and you will hate all of them for it. Females, especially, will despise you as they will see you as repulsive and of no value. Despite your hatred of them, you will desire their company but resent them even more for the pull they will have on you. Dreams of normalcy will stay just that - frustrating dreams. Even those who offer affection for a price will never let you anywhere near them, not at any price. Needs will be suppressed. No pleasures of any kind will you ever feel. You will lack the ability to feel anything but fear, anger, confusion, rage and hatred. You will never make friends. Family can only watch in horror as your fires burn continuously. Death is the only way to extinguish it. You will never experience happiness, contentment, joy, or peace, and the only laughter you will ever know is that of an insane mind. Tears will become your identity until there are no more tears to cry. Hatred and fear are all that your abject life will be.
You will hate yourself. I know, because for so long, I have hated you. Forever the sixth of April will be cursed. You haven’t a single reason to live another day, not one day more. This is just a small part of your future’s reflections. It will be far more horrible than what I have written. Life will not be what you choose to make of it, for your brain can never choose. If you were beyond pathetic there would be hope, but you are and always will be far worse. You are already doomed. Hold tightly to this letter. Stand in the place where it will all begin. Look the world in the eyes and end your life there in front of your classmates to save yourself from what will be a life impossible to live. Believe me, it will be. You were born to be forgotten, nothing more than splatter on the classroom chalkboard. Precious is life only when thoughts can be controlled. Always know just how much I hate you.
From the only one who understood you.
Written to my younger self for the "Birthday letters" Competition.
I have lived your life, and I know the pain and isolation that you feel because I am you. You think that it is all part of growing up, but still you sense there is something very wrong. There is, and it will get worse. For decades, you will suffer with no hope of becoming well. Years upon years will be spent in therapy; all medications will fail to help you. Your memories will consist of psychiatric hospitals and padded cells. You will be plagued by thoughts of hurting people, killing people and torturing people. Constant worry, even of things that are impossible to happen, will devour you. You will not be able to control your thoughts ever. Terror will rule your existence. You will shake in fear every moment. Afraid of everyone and everything, you are better off dead.
Never will you grow up or be able to function in society. No one will be able to relate to you. You will count and keep count of everything imaginable. When was the last time Easter fell on March 22? The year 1818. How many times has Christmas fallen on a Friday in your lifetime? Six. How many seconds have passed since you were born? 1,460,840,040 and counting. It will never, ever stop. Please make it stop! You will feel the unconquerable urge to remember everything. What date were you last constipated? What was the first song you’ve ever heard? How many times did you urinate 20 years ago today? What did you eat on that day? You must remember. You must remember everything. Shut it off! Shut it off! You can’t.
Employment will be impossible, as your thoughts cannot be trained, and all people will be seen as your enemy. You will be misunderstood and hated by everyone, and you will hate all of them for it. Females, especially, will despise you as they will see you as repulsive and of no value. Despite your hatred of them, you will desire their company but resent them even more for the pull they will have on you. Dreams of normalcy will stay just that - frustrating dreams. Even those who offer affection for a price will never let you anywhere near them, not at any price. Needs will be suppressed. No pleasures of any kind will you ever feel. You will lack the ability to feel anything but fear, anger, confusion, rage and hatred. You will never make friends. Family can only watch in horror as your fires burn continuously. Death is the only way to extinguish it. You will never experience happiness, contentment, joy, or peace, and the only laughter you will ever know is that of an insane mind. Tears will become your identity until there are no more tears to cry. Hatred and fear are all that your abject life will be.
You will hate yourself. I know, because for so long, I have hated you. Forever the sixth of April will be cursed. You haven’t a single reason to live another day, not one day more. This is just a small part of your future’s reflections. It will be far more horrible than what I have written. Life will not be what you choose to make of it, for your brain can never choose. If you were beyond pathetic there would be hope, but you are and always will be far worse. You are already doomed. Hold tightly to this letter. Stand in the place where it will all begin. Look the world in the eyes and end your life there in front of your classmates to save yourself from what will be a life impossible to live. Believe me, it will be. You were born to be forgotten, nothing more than splatter on the classroom chalkboard. Precious is life only when thoughts can be controlled. Always know just how much I hate you.
From the only one who understood you.
Written to my younger self for the "Birthday letters" Competition.
Published 24th Aug 2013
| Edited 24th Oct 2013
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 24
reading list entries 5
comments 20
reads 1484
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The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
24th Aug 2013 1:29am
You have a good handle on yourself in this deep and introspective birthday letter.
Nice job.
Strider
Nice job.
Strider
Anonymous
24th Aug 2013 1:52am
Great write! Lots of details. :)
Anonymous
24th Aug 2013 1:57am
This was excellent in terms of the detail you give about OCD conditions. These conditions are far more common, in lesser degree and tend to run in families. The OCD person cannot forget and many physicians do not understand this. There are more people who have OCD than those who admit it and seek help. However, some drugs have worked with OCD patients and I found that concentrating on studying was my out.....but you will have to find the one activity that takes your brain activity away....also have they tried anti-convulsive meds....?
Good luck in the comp
This is a good entry
Kitty
Good luck in the comp
This is a good entry
Kitty
24th Aug 2013 11:13pm
Love and respect. I love a bipolar and OCD girl. I never had the self-esteem or imagination to be with her. The pain in this world, it's..?
Anonymous
31st Aug 2013 1:48am
Great. Not great, simply amazing.
31st Aug 2013 9:29am
Thank you for the welcome pm
I just love poems with a bit of story telling thrown in
this one does it for me.
I just love poems with a bit of story telling thrown in
this one does it for me.
Anonymous
8th Sep 2013 5:08am
Not everyoneee hates you, it's impossible :O
Keep on keepin on MC.
You are talented :)
Keep on keepin on MC.
You are talented :)
Anonymous
9th Sep 2013 1:40am
Intense and wonderful. I thought the same ^^^ Queen Of Angels did.
15th Sep 2013 7:22am
Wow. This is..... unimaginable. You have shared some very personal stuff here, thank you. Im sure it wasnt easy. You are an incredible indevidual, mourningcloak. And one of my personal favorite poets. Thank you again for sharing this. I hope to see more of your work soon
22nd Sep 2013 7:10am
30th Sep 2013 4:53am
While reading your poems, I can't help but feel the rejection, the pain and hurt within the words and this is a sign to me of very effective writing
Anonymous
5th Oct 2013 10:23pm
I suffer with OCD myself so this was very emotional to read.
Kind regards.
Kind regards.
How many spaces are between each word? Does "will" occur half as much as "you"? Does "be" occur half as much as "will"? How many syllables are there excluding those within "will, you, be"? Are there too many that detract from the answer in the future? Is it significant? Why do I seek attention? How did I make it past the first sentence? Now that I've read what I should have when I was younger, Do I kill my past for robbing my presents, or destroy my presence for sake of my future?
16th Oct 2013 5:27am
As someone who suffers from depression, and has multiple suicides in my immediate family, this truly truly touched me.
I am truly aware that the fuel for this write is real life yet the first stanza brings to mind Pink Floyd's The Wall.(the movie) The second stanza made me think of the autistic savant in Rain Man. The final two suggest deep introspection; without an outside voice more then a few people who stay focused on the negative.
Despite the words in your profile, there are pieces here that many can relate to.
by the way, not that this will help any but I have maybe the worst day in April to celebrate my birthday. (April 15---income tax day, Lincoln's death, Titanic sinks, the crime that would lead to Sacco and Vanzetti being executed, most destructive flood in US history in Mississippi, and worst of all, the opening of the first McDonalds.)
Despite the words in your profile, there are pieces here that many can relate to.
by the way, not that this will help any but I have maybe the worst day in April to celebrate my birthday. (April 15---income tax day, Lincoln's death, Titanic sinks, the crime that would lead to Sacco and Vanzetti being executed, most destructive flood in US history in Mississippi, and worst of all, the opening of the first McDonalds.)
19th Apr 2014 9:46pm
As I've said before, I don't claim to know diddly about what's up with you, my friend,
but you are an amazing writer!
Perhaps you can find a particle of pride and happiness in that!
but you are an amazing writer!
Perhaps you can find a particle of pride and happiness in that!
26th Feb 2015 5:17pm
I understand you better now, which is good. Know that you are loved by me.
19th Mar 2017 00:59am
What a sad letter. Anyone who suffers from O.C.D is in prison in their own mind. I hope someone comes along and breaks you out.
Anonymous
- Edited 14th Oct 2018 4:47am
5th Sep 2017 7:01pm
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