Fleeting Depression

 

Where are you God?  Why can’t I feel you?
Why did you make me knowing this is how I would end up?
How I’d feel?  
What was the point?  
If I’d die tonight, would the effort I made each day to not feel this way count for something?  
Maybe not go to the lowest part of hell?  
Where are you?  Why can’t I feel you?  Why can’t I see you?  
I fight to keep going because I know the mess I’d leave behind and
At least alive I have a chance to fix it.
Does it count for something that I listen to the words
The yells, the anger when I screw up
Or the disappointment, and sadness
I try so hard and my efforts are worthless
They mean nothing and have no effect it seems.  I hate this.  I hate this feeling.

Really, why could she not abort me and let that other one live?
She knows of God’s forgiveness.  I do not.  He would have forgiven her
And I would not be living with all this weight, and hate, loathing and despair.  
How long must I suffer with these feelings?  When will they end?  
He can heal me, but he does not.  Why must I feel all of this?  What is His plan?  
What good could possibly come from this?

My girls, they deserve so much better and I don’t want to leave them.  I love them so much
Even though I know that I do not show it often, say it often
Days go by that I know I do not tell them
Children need to hear it every day, feel it every day.  
I do not feel it every day
I know they love me
I do not deserve their love
Their trust and dependence
I do not deserve them at all.
Why would he give me these children with the mess I am?
They deserve a mom that is not such a mess and screw up.  
Disaster