bruised

I wonder what you think of me
on the nights our paths intersect
into a fine brittled memory
of contorted porcelain faces
peeled with regret
and multi saturated paints
scattered amidst ghosts
I was never brave enough to exorcise
in the contours of my breast

they still often cast me into a void
I can't help but need
when the world bends me over
into an unsympathetic kneel
scathed and screaming
for the echo of my childhood
in a way we remember each other best
so I willingly cradle them closer
as my nefarious lovers

what is it you see, I wonder
when the awkward chatter dies
to lingering stale smoke
and resentful fading footsteps
of abandonment in the night
after the sickness became too much
for me not to notice
and the moon
started to beat into me
a bruised dun

we don't share the same eyes
never will
yours, a deep thunderstorm blue
calloused from time
chaotic and desperate for a tear
you'll never earn from either of us
mine, a haunted black brown
dwelling in the ruins of my past
muddled and blank
much too young
to seek the light I almost crave
one neither of us might ever find

am I the same to you, I wonder
just verging ever nearer
into the woman we anticipated coming,
stumbling drunk into a room
demons fancy loitering
with curly matted hair
I refuse to grow out of
so fearful of forgetting
what little grasp I have on my identity
strung out and angry
just like a chalky mirror from your past

I must seem so hollow
hidden behind the paper
I love so much more than myself
scratching abstract emotions
the Capricorn in me could never admit aloud
cold and uncomfortable
from anything and everything
that might define an image
I don't want to have
or express who I really am
when the sun is tired
and I'm left to my thoughts

I wonder what you think of me
forced to count the mistakes
and dreams never accomplished
now that you're terminal
and awaiting for my forgiveness
to reach your apology
as if my walls will collapse
and I'll consider gracing you with pity