deepundergroundpoetry.com
We are winning
Divine losers pick scabs
bleeding chapters
the victory lap of laughter
lies in triumphant failures
as the air sabotages
the state of solid
if only temporarily.
2.The first third died
counting railroad ties,
too quickly below the border.
The second slowed spiral
to split ammonite. The third,
is the observed opal
mineral via lux
3. We are winning
because we failed forever.
Our victory is the dancing ghosts
that inhabitate the next impossible forever
which is stealing bricks, sticks and stucco
from this one
and we will move on from the next one;
having never completed a structure for that stretch of ever,
but we will toast sastified that those few missing blocks
from the existing permanence will restore order
to the malleability that fuels the eroding laughter
that massages the tension out of the shoulders
of the stubbornness of how it is
Published 20th Jul 2013
| Edited 21st Jul 2013
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20th Jul 2013 4:34pm
those few missing blocks
from the existing permanence will restore order
to the malleability
Really insightful..brick walls become chain link fences when minus a few bricks...toppling made simple...
from the existing permanence will restore order
to the malleability
Really insightful..brick walls become chain link fences when minus a few bricks...toppling made simple...
21st Jul 2013 9:26am
Well read Rt, chain link to topple
Indeed.
Thank you much for reading n commenting
Indeed.
Thank you much for reading n commenting
21st Jul 2013 7:32am
21st Jul 2013 9:31am
21st Jul 2013 9:54am
lightbaron,
I question if numbering each stanza is distracting, or helpful? You have used this device often recently, and it works I think when you are cross referencing abstract snippets from the same event, with different voices. The voices in this one seem closer, but the distinction is there so the numbered stanzas might work....hmmm.
The language is whimsical enough with a couple brighter lines, and the read sounds fluid, but I trip a bit at the end, not as tight or clearly stated. Too many "forever"s, I would consider alternate words, and the ending is not very strong. It's okay, which is worse than weak. Work on that.
Lastly, the first line: have you described "divine losers" thoroughly enough? also isn't that a Ken Kesey phrase? And that first third sounds a bit like Neal/Dean Cassady/Moriarity, is there merry prankster, post beat undercurrent for particular reasons?
are you in fact winning, and who is we?
I question if numbering each stanza is distracting, or helpful? You have used this device often recently, and it works I think when you are cross referencing abstract snippets from the same event, with different voices. The voices in this one seem closer, but the distinction is there so the numbered stanzas might work....hmmm.
The language is whimsical enough with a couple brighter lines, and the read sounds fluid, but I trip a bit at the end, not as tight or clearly stated. Too many "forever"s, I would consider alternate words, and the ending is not very strong. It's okay, which is worse than weak. Work on that.
Lastly, the first line: have you described "divine losers" thoroughly enough? also isn't that a Ken Kesey phrase? And that first third sounds a bit like Neal/Dean Cassady/Moriarity, is there merry prankster, post beat undercurrent for particular reasons?
are you in fact winning, and who is we?
