deepundergroundpoetry.com
Ring Around the Rosie
"Ring around the rosie.
Pockets full of posies.
Ashes ashes, we all fall down. "
I stop singing and frown.
This child, now missing their tongue and eyes,
Must be dead, for there are no more cries.
Bored of this victim, I walk to the other.
I decide to kill her, the child's mother.
I lift the knife, slice to the right.
Swinging with all my might.
Her head falls, rolling on the floor.
Her blood spills. She died quickly, such a bore.
Can't change it now. What's done is done.
I clean my knife, staring at victim number twenty one.
I stuff their pockets, ring them with roses.
I throw a match in the gas filled room while the door closes.
Laughing, I look for the next one to die.
"Oh, come here child, don't be shy. "
Pockets full of posies.
Ashes ashes, we all fall down. "
I stop singing and frown.
This child, now missing their tongue and eyes,
Must be dead, for there are no more cries.
Bored of this victim, I walk to the other.
I decide to kill her, the child's mother.
I lift the knife, slice to the right.
Swinging with all my might.
Her head falls, rolling on the floor.
Her blood spills. She died quickly, such a bore.
Can't change it now. What's done is done.
I clean my knife, staring at victim number twenty one.
I stuff their pockets, ring them with roses.
I throw a match in the gas filled room while the door closes.
Laughing, I look for the next one to die.
"Oh, come here child, don't be shy. "
Published 18th Jul 2013
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comments 6
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
18th Jul 2013 7:21am
I could use some honest criticism.
I feel like something is missing. This just doesn't sound right...
I stared at it for a good ten minutes, but my thoughts are all jumbled...
Any ideas what could be done to improve this?
I feel like something is missing. This just doesn't sound right...
I stared at it for a good ten minutes, but my thoughts are all jumbled...
Any ideas what could be done to improve this?
21st Jul 2013 10:05am
I love the allusion in the beginning; it gives a good context as to what is going to happen in the poem. Plus, you put a dark twist on am already dark must rhyme, so props! Haha.
Perhaps what you feel is missing may be the back story? I feel like there's a reason why the character is going on a murderous rampage, and I'd really love to know why.
Also, have you ever tried free verse? You do a really good job of telling a story, even with the strict limitations of form poetry. I feel like you could do an amazing job with free verse, as it leaves more freedom for expression and imagery.
I also really like the commentary, the thoughts of the character, etc. and how you used italics to separate them.
Awesome stuff, good luck finding your perfection!
Perhaps what you feel is missing may be the back story? I feel like there's a reason why the character is going on a murderous rampage, and I'd really love to know why.
Also, have you ever tried free verse? You do a really good job of telling a story, even with the strict limitations of form poetry. I feel like you could do an amazing job with free verse, as it leaves more freedom for expression and imagery.
I also really like the commentary, the thoughts of the character, etc. and how you used italics to separate them.
Awesome stuff, good luck finding your perfection!
21st Jul 2013 10:06am
21st Jul 2013 1:46pm
Ah thank you! And yes, I believe the lack of a back story might be the problem.
As for free verse, I've never tried it. In school I was always taught "This must have a rhyme scheme!!!" but you know, I think I'll give it a try. =^^=
As for free verse, I've never tried it. In school I was always taught "This must have a rhyme scheme!!!" but you know, I think I'll give it a try. =^^=
25th Jul 2013 8:31pm
Haha yes, the joys of high school. College poetry classes are much different. If you do plan to explore free verse, look up language sounds like assonance, consonance, etc. they can be quite fun.
Good luck!
Good luck!
25th Jul 2013 9:15pm
