I Told You

I told you not
to love me
I told you not
to care,
I told you that intense gaze
Would cause my caution to flare.

I told you
not to pursue me
I told you
I wanted nothing more
I told you
friendship was the only thing in store

Why do you punish me
for holding to my word?
In all of our talks
was there anything that you heard?

I told you not
to cast that line,
I wasn’t looking to be caught
but you kept casting in your hand
as though you would be picked victor in the lot.

I told you not
to feel for me
I told you not
to fall,
I told you
no matter how hard you hit the ground
I wouldn’t pay answer to that call.




I MAKE no apologies for who I am, no shame-filled explanations for how I choose protect what had been damaged previously. You don’t get to judge me for that. Why should I let you break down my walls, eclipse my guard and suffocate me? And you will, maybe not on purpose, but you will. You’ll attempt to appease my need for distance and try to consider my distrust passable with time.  But when you see I’m consistent, that my self-inflicted solitude is a safety mechanism I have no intention of taking down; well, then you’ll slither the fingers of your presence around my neck and squeeze. You’ll eagerly spew words, endeavoring to strike some kind of fancy thought to be held in the heart of a woman, really all you’ll be doing is needling me with the things that call for immediate action.

Your impatience will rise like the sun, dawning bright and bold and blinding. Your words will be slices into skin without any consideration for the pain being inflicted. I’ll be forced to fight, unable to see, enraged by the blood. And the fear of your promises, your presence, your attention will run hot fingers through my veins, pushing me to run as fast and as far as I can.

The flight will confuse you. You’ll find no explanation for it, because you will never understand me enough to know the fear I have of proximity and promises, and the lies that make up their existence. You will only see opportunity and when the open door closes due to your aggressive approach, you’ll bathe in your imagined slight, spewing violence you swore you never had. I told you who I was. I made no apologies then. I make none now.

I am not a pet to be leashed, a treasure to showcase. IAM ME! I am MINE! Not yours. Never yours. I made no excuses for the rough trails or weather beaten smiles. I give no ulterior motive to easy giggles, to wide-eyed awe, to child-like excitement. They are me, aspects of myself I chose to share with you, not to beguile you, but to simply be me. And the other stuff – I was tried, I came away cautious. I asked you to understand that.

Who are you to demand my submission? What right have you to push for the dispersal of shields I keep up in the pursuit of my own safety?

Stop looking at me as though you weren’t warned! I have ghosts I battle too. And RELATIONSHIP wasn’t ever a words intended for us.

I make NO apologies. Please, stop asking that I do.